Alison Gold – Chinese Food — h3h3 reaction video

Alison Gold – Chinese Food — h3h3 reaction video


Hey, you remember that video we made 2 or 3 months ago about that black guy that was eatin’ and raping kids? Like, a lot of kids. [Hila]: Yeah, Patrice Wilson? – Yeah. That was funny. That guy’s definitely a pedophile. [Hila]: Well, it was just one video; you don’t know. – What? “Just one video?” Hila, this is Patrice Wilson we’re talking about. This is not something that someone just does once. If we went to his YouTube channel right now, I guarantee we’d click one random video and he’s gonna be on the ground, rolling around, touching and tickling with a little girl, dude. Are you seriously trying to tell me that you don’t think Patrice Wilson is a pedophile? [Hila]: I guess. – Pffffffft! Come on, dude! Alright, well here, let me show you. Let’s just click a video at random— uh, which one? Here we go: “Chinese Food”. Let’s watch it and see. ♪ Alison Gold — Chinese Food ♪ ♪ After balling, I go clubbing ♪ ♪ Then I’m hugging ♪ ♪ Then I’m hungry ♪ ♪ and I’m walking on the street ♪ ♪ and I’m getting getting getting getting grumpy grumpy ♪ ♪ I see chow, on my right ♪ ♪ I smell food, in the air ♪ [Michelle Obama]: Wow, Ethan, great moves! Keep it up, proud of you. ♪ —so I’m getting getting getting getting hungry ♪ ♪ I love Chinese food ♪ [speaks Chinese]
[song continues playing in background] I think I know what he’s saying. “Hello, my name is Jeff. I was born in Florida. This script was written by a freelance translator. I have no idea what it says; I’m reading it phonetically. Hey, can you understand me? Am I saying anything? Look at me and my two sticks; I’m cooking food. Hey, I’m a chef! Hey, look at me, I’m an Asian chef.
I’ve got two big sticks.” ♪ Chinese Food continues playing ♪
[speaks Chinese] ♪ After balling, I go clubbing ♪ Bitch, you don’t go clubbing. You’re 8. [song continues] ♪ Then I’m hugging ♪ ♪ Then I’m hungry ♪ ♪ And I’m walking ♪ ♪ on the street, and I’m getting getting getting getting grumpy grumpy ♪ – You vandal. You’re pushing down barrels.
This girl’s very unstable for a little girl. I mean, Jesus, man. Maybe you’d need to get her some help;
get her some medicine or something. Some, uh— [clicks fingers]
What do ya call that stuff? [muffled] What’s it called? Stinks in here, dude. Fuckin’ smells like my head in here, dude. It’s gross. It’s way more than I bargained for. Way more than I asked for in there. Let’s not do that again. Anyway, let’s go with the, uh— Let’s go with Prozac. She needs Prozac. ♪ I love fried rice, I love noodles ♪ ♪ I love ch— “Hi, I’d like one of these, please, one of these, please, and please hurry up. And my food better be good, or I will literally have you fucking deported. I’m a little blonde girl, okay, and my dad is a US senator. You can’t even speak English.
You’re probably here illegally, okay? So, don’t all fuck with my food. I am NOT paying for my meal. I’m eight years old, no, I don’t have my own money, but you better fucking serve me, or I’ll say that your little Chinese cook over there, with the two sticks, raped me. Okay? Yes, I need fucking help.” ♪ —ow mein, chow mo-mo-mo-mo-mein ♪ – Whoo! Make it rain, bitch. Let’s see them titties. Oh. Little bit young for that. Sorry, guys. ♪ I love Chinese food ♪ ♪ You know that it’s true ♪ I imagine that she’s actually just singing the song in the Chinese place “You know that it’s true”, she’s just like— “Bitch, you need Prozac.” ♪ I love fried rice, I love noodles ♪ Are you ordering? ‘Cause you’re just saying you love it. I don’t think just saying that you love it is actually an order. “I love fried rice!” [taps on desk] “I love noodles!” – “Okay, and did you actually want something, though?” – “No.” ♪ —spicy, and you like it ♪ [Ethan imitates] “and you li-ike it” ♪ Fortune cookies, tell my future ♪ “You will find a new friend.” Oh, boy. Knowing Patrice Wilson, this is gonna be good. This is gonna be weird, this is gonna be creepy. This is gonna be borderline inappropriate, and this is gonna all make us re-evaluate what we thought it meant to be alive – to be human, and to understand something that you’re watching. “You’re gonna find a new friend.” All right, Patrice.
Let’s see what you’ve got in store for us. ♪ Chinese, Chinese food ♪ – WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT FOOD, DUDE!? What’d you feed her, man? She’s tripping balls! And now it’s in Hebrew? What does it say, Hila? [Ethan coughs] [Hila speaks Hebrew] [Ethan]: It doesn’t make sense? [Hila]: (Hebrew phrase) is ‘to come’ — What does it mean?
— Nothing. — Dude, you couldn’t even Google Translate it to make it make sense! The Hebrew doesn’t make sense, man! [ sigh] It doesn’t make sense, dude.
What did you write? Is this a secret message to your pedophile ring? Sick, dude. All these different languages is a hidden message to all your pedophile friends to come meet you underground. And your rape dungeon where you guys can exchange egg rolls, if you know what I mean? [song continues]
♪ I love Chinese food ♪ [Ethan]: Wow, it’s pretty weird dude! ♪ — it’s true ♪ This is pretty weird.
I can’t imagine it will get much weirder than this, right? ♪ I love fried rice, I love noodles ♪ Wow, that’s weird as hell, dude.
Woah, that close-up makes me really uncomfortable. [music slow and distorted] I mean, everyone loves pandas.
They’re cute. They’re cuddly. They’re innocent creatures.
But, wow, I am really second guessing that — — very natural assumption that everyone feels.
I feel violated. [distortion] ♪ — mein
I love — ♪ All right, how can he make it weirder? How can Patrice make it weirder? He’s on the ground cuddling and touching with a little girl. How can he make it weirder, guys? ♪ You know that it’s true ♪ How can it get weirder? I’m waiting for it! It’s gonna get weirder! I know it’s gonna get weirder! I’m waiting for it, dude! [Patrice rapping]
♪ I love Chinese food ♪ [Ethan]: AAAAAAAAAAH! NOOO! He did it! He took it to the next level, dude! He cranked it up to zero to one hundred thousand, dude. Yeah-heh! YEAH! He did it! I didn’t know if he would be able to do it, guys,
but he cranked it up all the way. We’ve gotta go back, man. I have a feel we missed some good stuff. [Patrice rapping]
♪ I love Chinese food ♪ ♪ And some Wonton soup ♪ Okay, so, in this fantasy world… She met a panda. Which would be fine ’cause it’s the fantasy world,
so you’re like, “okay, she meet a panda —” “— and they’re friends. She’s friends with a panda.” But ended up actually being an older, black gentleman. Who was real; a real guy in a panda suit. Who was sitting — so, imagine this… He’s in there waiting for her. He gives her a cookie that says,
‘You’re going to meet a new friend.’ [whispers] He set this up. How else could his cookie say
‘You’re gonna make friend’ too? [X-files theme fades in]
Too?! So he gives her the cookie,
he’s sitting there in his panda suit. He knows that she is tripping balls
’cause he spiked her food, obviously. [X-Files theme gets louder] So she’s tripping out, she sees a panda.
She thinks she’s hallucinating. She goes, “Hey, I’ve just got this fortune that says I was gonna meet a friend and I saw you.” And he’s like, “Hey, I’ve got this fortune that says I’m gonna meet a new friend too.” He set the whole thing up.
[theme ends] [Patrice rapping]
♪ I use the chopsticks, to eat pot sticks ♪ ♪ Put some hot sauce ♪ [Ethan]: Duuuude! That’s fucked up! You know what that is a metaphor for, Hila? Do you know what I’m gonna say? [Hila]: I don’t wanna know. — Guys, I don’t know if I need to say it,
but look what he’s doing. Okay? Just look what he’s doing, okay? Use your imagination. I don’t wanna say it on film. It’s too fucked up, it’s too obscene, okay? It’s too fucked up. But it’s here. K? Just use your imagination and think about it. She’s a young girl, she’s never y’know,
and he’s, y’know, there. I mean, I’m not gonna spell it out. I’m not gonna say it explicitly. It’s not okay to say. I mean, it’s in the video, I’m not making it up. But just watch his finger rolling around in the red, y’know, sticky… — y’know, fluid there. Uh, just imagine what it means, okay?
Use your imagination, guys. Think about it. ‘Cause I’m not gonna say it outright but I want you to understand what I’m talking about. And think hardly about what we’re dealing with here, k? A finger. One finger. Red. Virgin. Uh, he’s fingering a little girl, dude. That’s what it is.
He’s fingering a little, fucking girl, dude. [bangs table] It’s SICK, DUDE! [slow-motion, distorted]
♪ Put some hot sauce ♪ Dude, only Patrice would have the balls to put this shit on YouTube. Let’s see if he licks it. YEAAAAH! He loves it! HE LOVES IT! Ah, dude, noo, man! [Hila chuckles] [Patrice rapping]
♪ Put some hot sauce and sweet – and sweet — ♪ ♪ — because Chin — ♪
[becomes distorted] Aw, dude, look at that face.
My god. He’s got blood on his lip. That big smile.
Patrice, you dog. You did it, didn’t you? Yeah, you love Chinese food, boy.
I know you like it now. I understand what you’re talking about.
You love Chinese food! And I like the noodles al dente, you know what I mean? I like my pasta al dente is what he’s saying to the world. ♪ I love Chinese food,
you know that it’s true ♪ ♪ I love fried rice,
I love — ♪ I can’t tell if this shit’s racist
but I have a feeling that it is racist. There’s no like, uh, formula here that we can run it through, like the racist machine. Bloop bloop bloop. This gets — this machine — the analysis is that this is indeed racist. But we’ve got some little girls here with like their kimonos. We’ve got a panda bear. We’ve got an Asian guy — houffvowvowvowvow — with two sticks who doesn’t really appear to be speaking anything. And, uh, I wanna say I rate this ‘yes’.
I wanna vote this ‘yes, racist’. ♪ You know that it’s true,
I love — ♪ Stop following her, dude! Stop fucking following her!
You’re in her house, man! You’ve been with her all day, just fucking go away, dude, what are her parents going to think about this, dude?! Please, just go away, man.
Stop. Following. Her. [sigh] ♪ — noodles, I love chow mein ♪ ♪ chow mo-mo-mo mein ♪
[Ethan]: Woo! All right. Through her roof, dawg, are you gonna pay for that?
You just busted through her roof, dude. Fuck that shit. [‘traditional’ chinese music] What does it say?
“The panda will fly away on a rainbow.” I wonder what’s that an analogy for So, the panda represents her innocence It’s something nice. Classically thought of as cuddly and beautiful and beloved by all. The panda. The innocence of the sweet young girl, okay? Will fly away on a rainbow. Patri — a rainbow is something of many colors, okay? Patrice is black. That’s a color, right? [X-files theme fades in]
Now, also, red. That’s a color too. So, we’ve got black – not traditionally a rainbow color. But he likes it al dente, so you don’t need black.
And that’s where it becomes really important. [theme gets louder]
So he’s black, he’s eating red, y’know. So her innocence flies away on Patrice’s finger.
Gross, dude. That’s sick. This is gross, dude. [theme ends]
[gong sounds] Well, what d’you think now, Hila? Is he a pedophile?
What do you think? We need to call the FBI. [slow-motion distorted] Music: “Little Girls” by Oingo Boingo
[slowed-down version] ♪ I love little girls,
they make me feel so good ♪ ♪ I love little girls,
they make me feel so bad ♪ ♪ When they’re around, they make me feel
Like I’m the only guy in town ♪

100 Comments

  1. Its definitely racist theres saying Chinese food but the girls are dressed up as Japanese geisha girls lol fuck Patrice hes so creepy

  2. The chinese lyrics doesn't make sense
    成球后,我去泡吧
    i went to pub after i've became a ball
    我爱大米,麵條,我爱州城主町-mo-mo-mo-mo-主
    i love rice, noodles, i love state city main town-mo-mo-mo-mo-MAIN
    我喜歡中國菜,你知道它的真實。我愛炒
    i like chinese food, you know that is truth. i love fried(or sound like, i'd like to fuck in chinese. really)

  3. You’ve called out some cringy shit but this….this shit…fingering the CHERRY SAUCE…duuuuude what in the name of all that is holy violent heaving gags an full fuckin’ body shivers! This guy is level 5,000 creep I’m omw to the pool store to find the strongest fuckin chlorine to cleanse my eyeholes I feel like an Ethan Bradberry child prank victim, traumatized for life!!!

  4. I loved your hat comment after you put your hat on your face and you were like "it smells like my head in here" LMFAO! You're so beautifully hilarious!

  5. "She's friends with a panda!" LMAO! So hilarious, mate! It feels so joyful and good to laugh. Thanks heaps, matie mate Ethan for helping experience the happiness of laughter! I'm going to do some laps in my pool after I watch some of your and FilthyFrank's videos. You mates make me LOL so hard! Love ya, Ethan!

  6. I loved the x-files reference! Your work here on youtube is so important, matie mate bro! It truly is deeply important to have mates like you in life because you and your dream Goddess, Hila, do incredibly uplifting work! My parents wrote a book entitled "Lifting People Up". It's about praise. I praise you mate for being such a valiant amazing husband to Hila, your life partner, and for being so hysterical and bringing so much happiness into people's lives! Love you, Ethan!

  7. No, mate! This is so racist. I'm laughing quite sincerely now because your review of this horrible wierd video is so fucking hilarious! Just want to let you know and understand that I love you, Ethan and Hila!

  8. "We Need to Call the FBI!" Hila's wisdom is so profoundly, frankly, quite true, but also hilarious. Indeed! Love you, mates!

  9. it is like Patrice is trying to be Stan Lee,
    where Stan lee appears in all his movies (until now)…
    The biggest difference between the 2:
    Patrice is just a creepy attention whore who is a Child Pedophile.

  10. how can patrice blame ethan for bullying when everything hes joking about is actually in the video patrice produced? if you dont wanna look like a pedo maybe dont blatantley portray yourself drugging children while you wait patiently in a panda suit. what a nut case this dude is lol blows me away

  11. omg that black human dunno what is the traditional outfit of chinese,wearing japanese outfit and the fan is not those long stick fan

  12. Proof that Patrice is innocent – he obviously didn't try to say he wants to fuck the little girl because In the end it says " the panda will fly away on a rainbow " …. Rainbow – gay / panda – Patrice . Soooo that is the hidden message ( Patrice doesn't want to fuck the girl because he is obviously gay )

    CHANGE MY MIND

  13. This Patrice dude is definitely a pedophile! If he wasn't, he would definitely sue for defamation… Something seriously wrong with that dood!

  14. I can honestly say I avoided most of the internet's cancer….agent orange ain't got shit on this! Wish I didn't even know about this… BUT I swear to god this kid doesn't even have all her adult teeth yet WTFFIh[poiha[gwerigy8ha[wetgfagu8ty3t90[gf8e3raujh goodbye internet

  15. whats even more sick is that his finger comes out red. the same color his finger would be if he actually did it and im sure he probably did do just that. entertainment is a magnet for pedophiles and always has been and little to nothing has changed. only adult women come out. never the children. got them and their family under lock and key.

  16. 👏👏👏👏👏👏 that all I can say this bitch need to go to jail he feaking finger 8year old girls and the cops are not doing anything👏

  17. The Chinese guy at the beginning of the video was talking about cooking the fried noodles, and when you cook fried noodles usually you add eggs to it.

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