American Gold Cross: Help For The Wealthy

American Gold Cross: Help For The Wealthy


[♫ Sad piano music ♫] [Female spokesperson] Every day, thousands of people suffer in America. They’re scared and confused. All because they’re lost. In their own… Gigantic houses. No one should have to suffer for living in the enormous home they bought. Or inherited. Please help, by donating to The American Gold Cross. [♫ Uplifting music ♫] When you sign up you’ll receive a welcome package. With a picture of your very own wealthy American. You’ll also find a letter signed by them. Written by their personal assistant. And your donations help fund our emergency support necklaces. [Emergency support necklace beep] [Support worker] Mr. Hendricks, are you alright? [Mr. Hendricks] Ah, no, I’m lost again. Um, I think I’m in the master bedroom’s guest bathroom. [Support worker] Okay, looks like you’re actually in the guest bedroom’s master bathroom. That’s fine, just stay calm. I want you to exit the door, turn left, turn left again. Then turn right, then go straight, then one more right. [Mr. Hendricks] Uhh. [Support worker] Then you’re gonna turn left, go up the stairs, and then you should be out of the bathroom. [Spokesperson] When remote navigation fails, your donations help fund rescue crews. Each crew delivers basic necessities. To get wealthy Americans … back on their feet. Look at these faces. They’ve tried to help themselves, with tax loopholes and bailouts. But these only made the problem worse, by giving them more money to spend on even larger houses. For just the cost of two dozen oysters per day, you can transform the lives of the one percent. American Gold Cross. Lifting up the wealthy with your bootstraps. [♫ Upbeat jazz tune ♫] [Ben] Hey! We are The Bilderbergers. [Lucas] If you’re lost inside your giant house, don’t worry. We’ve got plenty of vids for you to watch on our channel. [Matt] So make sure you check them all out and then click Subscribe … you rich weirdo.

14 Comments

  1. Ha! It's like an alternate world in which the brains of the rich have shrunk down to the size of the brains of the poor.

  2. Wow fuck the rich taking my hard earned oysters! Do they even know how hard it is to get 2 oysters a day in this economy? I have to scrape by every day with only 30 oysters to my name. Fuck these leaches.

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