Andy Samberg Shares His Rejected Golden Globes Jokes

Andy Samberg Shares His Rejected Golden Globes Jokes

-I don’t think people
fully appreciate how many jokes you generate…
-Yes. …to then have the jokes you do
for the Globes. You have some
that you chose not to do that you’re gonna —
you would like to read now. -Yes, I mean, only because
there’s so little time to — and you’ve got to choose wisely
and… -Yeah,
you don’t get a lot of time. -But there were a lot of jokes
we really loved that we didn’t get to cover. And I thought, if it was okay
with everyone here, we might — I would
just bang through a bunch that we didn’t get to do. -Yeah, all right, great.
-Okay. [ Cheers and applause ] All right. [ Cheers and applause continue ] So — So, just imagine that
I’m onstage at the Globes. [ Light laughter ] Around 1,300 people attended
the Golden Globes this year… and only one will leave. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Wow.
-Yeah. “Crazy Rich Asians”
is up for two awards, and “Crazy Rich White People” are up for the remaining 200. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. Should have done it.
-Yeah. -The International Ballroom
where the Golden Globes are held are divided into three tiers
of seating — libtards, snowflakes, and cucks. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter and applause ] We wanted Sandra
to say that one. [ Light laughter ] Would have been so dope.
All right. “Roma” was nominated for best
director and best foreign film. Guys, do yourself a favor — go out and watch this one on
the biggest phone you can find. [ Laughter ] It’s on Netflix. [ Laughter ] “Roma” is such an emotional
experience, when it was over, I literally sat there and cried
for a full five seconds before Netflix started blasting
a new movie where Kurt Russell
plays Santa Claus. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -I got it. I dig that.
-Yeah. [ Cheers and applause continue ] “Green Book” nominated, which is, of course,
a poignant biopic about Dr. Seuss struggling
to finish the title of “Green Eggs and Ham.” [ Laughter ] -It was originally just called
“Green Book.” -Yeah, it was just “Green Book,” and he was like,
“How do I crack this?” [ Light laughter ] “BlacKkKlansman” was nominated,
and judging by the upper- and lower-case
lettering in the title, it is also a Wi-Fi password. [ Laughter ] That’s a John Mulaney joke.
-[ Laughing ] Yeah. -He wrote it! [ Laughter ] -As you do.
-As one does. -[ Laughs ]
[ Cheers and applause ] -Love him. [ Cheers and applause continue ] The best. Spike Lee’s third time
being nominated for a Globe, and I got to say, it’s disappointing to see so few
Knicks here supporting him. [ Light laughter ] -That’s my favorite one.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
-Yeah. -He goes to a lot
of Knicks games. [ Laughter ]
-Whoo! -By the way, you would have
done that in L.A. This is actually in New York,
and that [bleep] tanked. [ Laughter ]
-I’m so glad we didn’t do it. -Yeah. -To the time machine! [ Laughter ] -All right. [ Laughter ] -“The Good Place” is nominated. It’s a philosophical
afterlife comedy that asks
complicated questions, like,
can Ted Danson still get it? [ Laughter ] Not that complicated —
the answer is yes. [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. Julia Roberts’ Amazon show
“Homecoming” was adapted from a podcast… would be a good sentence
to confuse someone who just woke up from a coma. [ Laughter ] [ Laughter continues ] -Whoo! -Again, we had very little time.
[ Laughter ] “The Americans”
is nominated tonight for Best Drama,
Lead Actor, Lead Actress, and Most People Getting Boned in Front of Portraits
of Ronald Reagan. [ Laughter ] “Pose” is nominated
for best television series from creator Ryan Murphy. So, if you love drama and you
love Ryan Murphy shows, you have 37 different options. [ Laughter ] This Rachel Brosnahan — it’s
her second time being nominated for Best Actress
in a Musical or Comedy for her role in
“Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.” Unfortunately,
not nominated this year is “Mrs. Maisel’s” other lead
actor, brisket. [ Laughter ] -There’s a lot there. They make…
-They talk — -They are often making a brisket
on the show. -And I can’t front. It makes me want brisket.
[ Light laughter ] It looks good. They take time with the brisket
on that show… -They do.
-…and it hits close to home. -Their prop master
makes that good brisket. -Yeah.
-Yeah. -All right.
There’s more. [ Laughter ] -Whoo! [ Chuckling ]
There are so many more. [ Laughter ] The — The writers
did a bang-up job, is my point. -They did a bang-up job, yeah.
-All right. Netflix beat out Amazon tonight as the most nominated
streaming service, while the best streaming scene was Bradley Cooper wetting
himself in “A Star is Born.” [ Laughter ]
Seth wrote that one. -Did I?
-Yeah. [ Laughter and applause ] Sent it to me, like five minutes
before the show. I was like, “What?!” If Beale Street could talk,
I think it would say, “Ouch, stop driving on me!” Seriously,
we agreed to host this super last minute, you guys. [ Laughter ]
That was the full joke. Okay, and this one
was a back-and-forth with me and Sandra.
-Okay, yeah. So, will you read her parts? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Okay. -The all-female franchise
reboot trend continued this year
with the movie “Ocean’s 8,” and there are
many more on the way. -Hey, you know
what they should do — a female reboot of “Magic Mike,”
but with all ladies. You know, now,
that I would watch. [ Light laughter ]
-Jesus Christ! -Hey! The line starts
right here, Seth! Thank you. This has been
my audition for “Green Book.” -Oh, that was really good.
-Yeah, thank you. -That was really good.
That was — Those were excellent. -There’s one more.
-Great. [ Laughter ] -Don’t cut any of these
when you air this episode. -Well, here’s how you’ll know
if we cut any. This one on the card says
number 18. [ Laughter and applause ] So, if there are less than 18, that means there were ones worse
than the worst one you saw. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Oh, my God. Please cut it down
to one joke now. -Yeah, right. -All right, last one — There were some
amazing performances by fine young actors
this year — Lucas Hedges in “Boy Erased”
and “Ben Is Back” and Timothée Chalamet
in “Beautiful Boy.” And if you didn’t have time
to see them all, fear not, ’cause we conveniently
smushed them together and made “Boy Beautiful Ben
Is Erased Back Boy.” [ Laughter ] -Bravo!
-There you are. Yes. [ Cheers and applause ]
-That’s the way we do it. -Of course. This was — Right? -Thanks to our writers. -They did a great job.
-They did a great job. -Sandra did a great job,
as well. -Yes.
-And it was really cool because you and Sandra
were great together, and you really only knew
each other from presenting together
at the Emmys, right? -Yeah. No prior relationship
other than that one time. -It was so much fun
to watch you guys together. It was very…
-Thanks. -…very fortunate that you guys
found each other at the Emmys, because they were lucky
to have you. -Well, that’s nice. -I have one last thing
to talk to you about, which I’m thrilled — “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”
is coming back, and it’s an NBC show now.
-Coming back. [ Cheers and applause ]
-So exciting. [ Cheers and applause continue ] It’s the best!
-Yeah. [ Cheers and applause continue ]
Thanks, guys. You know, you saved it —
The Guardians of the Nine-Nine saved the show.
-There were — Yeah. Me, Guillermo del Toro…
-Yeah. -…Lin-Manuel, Mark Hamill…
Yeah. Astin.
-…Sean Astin. We all started tweeting,
and then that’s — that’s five — that’s just
too much power to be ignored. -Too much star power
to not make a show keep going. -But it is really amazing,
because I feel as though people are often
heartbreaking — heartbroken when shows get canceled, and they say, “Oh, maybe another
network will pick it up.” It happens so rarely.
-Yeah. -And you just must be so —
it must be so nice for you guys to still be
doing this for your fans. -It’s incredible.
-Yeah. -And with each other.
We love each other so much. You know, coming back
after a near death of the show, like, everyone appreciates it
so much more, where we’re like, “Oh, man,
we get to keep hanging out!” -Yeah.
-You know?


  1. Ohhhhhh he skewered Seth's audience with the 3 tiers of seating joke. Just started into the audience with that huge grin and made them eat it

  2. Ya’ll I’m sitting in a library and trying not to cackle like a freaking hyena 😂😂😂😂😂👌👌👌🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

  3. Lobtards and snowflakes. And none of the Lobtards and snowflakes laughed. Remember Andy. You can't joke about Liberals. They get offended by everything.

  4. i mean oceans 8 isnt really a reboot its clearly a sequel with all female members… and it was btw a great movie

  5. If he didn't have the jew nose, the jew glasses, the jew voice and the jew hair and even the jew last name…you'd never know he was a jew

  6. Ah yes the tired trope where SNL cast members of the last two decades thought laughing at their own jokes would sell crap jokes. It doesn't.

  7. I love how he looks at the audience after each joke waiting for them to laugh or applause and how proud he looks of his jokes 🥰

  8. I'd love to see some of the actors turned producers get together and make a streaming service dedicated solely to saving great shows and movie series.

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