Ari Shaffir – The Holy Spirit – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

Ari Shaffir – The Holy Spirit – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored


– You drop the case
against my client, and in return,
I, Ari Shaffir, Esquire, will agree to be
the Holy Spirit’s lawyer. And the Holy Spirit was like,
“Yeah, man, I’m in.” [laughter] And that’s how I started
my law firm.[dark electronic music][cheers and applause] Welcome to
“This Is Not Happening.” I’m your host, Ari Shaffir, and today all the stories
are about karma. [cheers and applause] –He has his own podcast,called “Ari Shaffir’s
Skeptic Tank.”
Ari Shaffir!
[cheers and applause]
– So, you guys, I’m going to do
a story about karma. This is when I first discovered
what karma is, ’cause everyone uses
the word “karma,” you know? Any time, like, something bad
happens to you, if someone laughs at you, any time something bad
happens to them, you’re like, “Yes.
It’s worked out in my favor. Thank you, karma.” But I never really understood it
until this moment. I was just starting
stand-up comedy. It was, like, two years in. I–okay, before I start,
I should tell you this. I don’t know how–how many Jews
are in here right now? [scattered cheers]
Okay, a few. Jews never get excited.
They just kind of– You were like,
“Uh, I don’t know. This is how it starts.
No, thanks.” [laughter] “You’re not gonna trick me.” What if that’s how
the Holocaust started: with, like, “Any Jews in here?” Like, “Yeah!” Be like, “Get him.
Get him. Get her.” [laughter] And then one Jew
is in the bathroom. Guy be like, “What did I miss?” Like, “Shut up.
You didn’t miss anything. Just fucking trust me.
Shut up.” So I am a lot of people’s
Jewish friend, and what that means is,
they call me when they have any questions
about Jews. Like, I’ll get phone calls
from my friends. They’re like, “Hey, Ari, why are they walking around
today?” [laughter] “It’s Wednesday. “I thought they only walk around
on Saturday. What’s the deal?” And you got to be like,
“Oh, it’s National Hut Day” or “Sukkos” or whatever
you guys want to call it. But–you know,
or they’ll be like, “What does C-h-c-h spell?” I’m like, “You’re not gonna be
able to pronounce it.” They’re like,
“Is it chuh-chuh?” I’m like, “No, it’s not.
It’s not choo-choo. It’s…
[guttural sounds] And they’re like, “Yeah, I wouldn’t have gotten that
at all.” [laughter] So I got this phone call
one night from my friend who’s, like, a bigger comedian
at the time. I was just starting. He was, like, a well-known,
kind of a rich guy who was, like, really famous. And it doesn’t matter who it is,
but, like, he called me one night,
and he goes, “Ari!” And I was like, “Yes?” And he goes, “I need you
to be my lawyer!” And I’m like, “This is
the most racist phone call “I’ve ever gotten in my life. We don’t all just know
how to do that.” And he was like,
“I know, asshole. I was–I just–
okay, here’s what happened.” He was videotaping some guy. It was the early days
of video cameras, you know, when you had to, like,
have a lot of money to afford one. He had a ton of cash. He did mixed martial arts
commentary on the side. And…
[laughter] And so he had money from that. But then, um… But then he was videotaping
some crazy person. I was like, “What?
What are you talking about?” He was like, “Listen,
I was videotaping some guy.” And then right then,
I got call waiting. And I was like, “Wait, I’m
getting call waiting right now.” And he just goes,
“You’re my lawyer!” And then he hangs up. And I was like, “All right. Let’s see what this
call waiting’s all about.” And I picked up the phone,
and this guy on the other end was like, “Hello,
my name is Michael [bleep], and are you Joe Rogan’s–
or whoever, his lawyer?” [laughter] Uh…
[laughs] [applause] And I was like,
“Um, yes, I am. That’s right.
Esquire.” And, uh…
[laughter] And he goes, “Okay, well,
he was videotaping me. I want him to delete
the footage.” And he told me
to contact his lawyer. And I was like, “Okay,
here we go.” It’s my first case,
and I wanted to win it. [laughter] Also, this guy thought
that he was the Holy Spirit. He goes, “I’m the Holy Spirit, and I’m looking to sue
this guy.” And I was like,
“All right, well, I ought to negotiate.” And I was able to use
one thing that I knew that he did not know,
and I was like, “Well, I’ll use that
to my advantage.” And that was that he was not
the Holy Spirit. [laughter] That is not a real thing. Even if it was a real thing,
it wasn’t this dude. Anyway, so I was able
to talk to him. I talked to him,
and I got to a truce, and the way I was able
to negotiate a truce was, I told him,
“Hey, how about this? “You drop the case
against my client, “and in return,
I, Ari Shaffir, Esquire, “will agree to be
the Holy Spirit’s lawyer in any cases he might have.” And the Holy Spirit was like,
“Yeah, man, I’m in.” And that’s how I started
my law firm. [laughter] And he had so many cases,
you guys. He wanted to sue
so many people. He couldn’t pay me.
He was like, “I can’t pay you.” I’m like, “Yeah, I know.
Obviously. “Like, that’s not
what this is all about. “It’s not a money-making scheme. “It’s just to entertain myself. I’m an open-mic comic,
and I’m bored.” He goes, “I’ll tell you what,
though. I can’t pay you,
but in lieu of payment…” And I was like, “Hmm? All right.
What are you gonna say?” And he goes, “When I become
King of Kings…” I was like, “Hold on.
Hold on. Let me… “Okay, go ahead.
I’m ready now. Hit me with the rest of that.” He goes, “When I become
King of Kings, “I will reward you by letting you rule
over all of Jerusalem.” I’m like, “Dude, I’ve never
wanted to rule over anywhere “as badly in my life “as I want to rule
over Jerusalem right now. “I didn’t even know I wanted it
until right now. “And I’ll rule them all–
the Jews, the Palestinians. They’ll all bow before me!” The power’s already gone
to my head. Maybe I should wait. Anyway, and I talked to him,
like, every day for weeks. Like, this went on. He wanted to sue
so many people, you guys. He wanted to sue John Edwards. Remember the psychic? John–he wanted to sue him
for being a false prophet. For money. He wanted money
for that guy being a– and I was like, “Why would you
get the money for that? “Like, let’s say
he is a false prophet. Like, why do you cash in?” And he was like,
“‘Cause I’m a real prophet, and he’s–it’s hurting
my business.” And I was like, “You know what? “That works as a tactic.
Absolutely. We’ll put in libel
or something.” God, he wanted to sue people. I talked to him so much, and the weeks turned
into months. Like, I talked to him sometimes
multiple times a day. Probably 12, 13 times a week,
I talked to him. Keep in mind
I talk to my parents once every two weeks. And I talked to the Holy Spirit
26 times every time I talked
in between my parents. God, he wanted to sue people. He always used big words
around me too. Like, he would talk to me,
and he was like– when he wanted to sue
a new person, he was like, “Henceforth,
when I, um, shall take the plaintiff into”– And I’m like, “Dude,
I’m the fake lawyer, “not you, you know? “You don’t have to use
big words. That’s on me.” God, he wanted to sue p–
he wanted sue– I got him to give me
power of attorney over all his affairs too. [crowd exclaims] Yeah, I was like, “Dude, I need you to say the words
out loud.” I told him, “I’m recording it,”
and I– it was all on, like,
those cassette tapes. I threw them out eventually.
I wish I had those things. But I was like, “I need you
to say the words.” He goes, “Okay. He goes, “I, Michael [bleep],
the Holy Spirit, hereby give Ari Shaffir
power of attorney”– I’m like, “Ah-ah!” He goes, “Hereby give
Ari Shaffir, Esquire, power of attorney
over all my affairs.” And I was like,
“You did the right thing.” He wanted to sue so–and
the months turned into years. Like, this went on for, like,
four years plus. He wanted to sue
to the San Diego State Hospital for something to do
with electroshock therapy. He probably had a case
on that one, to be honest. [laughter] Probably should have contacted
a real lawyer on that last one. The false prophet, he wasn’t
gonna go anywhere with, but the electroshock,
he had a legit case. And after a while,
I got bored of it. But I told him–
like, at some point, I was like, “I can’t be
your lawyer anymore.” And he was not happy about it. He was like, “Why? What about all the cases
we’re so close on?” I’m like, “Well,
you’d be surprised. “We’re not really that close
on a lot of those cases. “The law is a slow-moving beast. “That’s what we say
around the water cooler… over at the law firm
I work at.” And he was mad. He was like, “Well, if you’re
not gonna be my lawyer, I’m not gonna pay you.” And I’m like, “Well,
“this is all pro bono work. You weren’t paying me anyway.” He was like, “I promised you
to be king over all of Jerusalem.” I was like, “I know,
and I’m sorry “that that’s gonna go away,
but… I’m gonna have to accept that
in my life.” And he kept calling. Eventually, I stopped
taking his phone calls, and the phone calls stopped
after a while, and then it was over. And then, like,
three months after that, I got a letter in the mail, and it was from
the Better Business Bureau. [laughter] Yeah, they threatened
to shut me down. My firm that I built
from the ground up! Not in my America! So I fought it… [laughter] The only way I knew how
to fight against a letter from
the Better Business Bureau: by not replying to the letter. I was–I was legit scared
for a while until I realized that
I don’t have a law firm, so… I’m just some guy
in an apartment building. You can’t do anything to me. And then the letters
went away, and I was off scot-free until one day I get
a knock at my door, and it was some guy
in a suit outside. And when I see a guy in a suit
at my door, which has never happened,
my first thought, obviously: lottery. [laughter] And I was like,
“How much did I win?” He was like, “What?” I’m like, “How much did I win?” He was like, “Are–what’s–
are you Ari Shaffir?” And I go, “Yes.” And he handed me an envelope, and he goes,
“You’ve been served.” And I was like, “I’ve been
served lottery winnings?” He was like, “No,
you’re being sued.” And I was like,
“Who’s suing me?” It was the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit went to a court and figured out
how to sue somebody, and he sued me. He sued me! Guess how much
he sued me for. – 2,400! – $2,400. What an exact amount
you suggested. No, you didn’t get it. $2,400, that’d be
a lot of money. No. He sued me for $800 million. [laughter] Yeah, $800 million was how much he sued me for. So here’s the deal, you guys. I don’t know if you know how
the American legal system works. But if somebody sues you,
you have to reply, or you just lose the case. And I don’t have $800 million. I don’t have
any million dollars. But I don’t know how to reply
to a lawsuit. You’d think with all those years
of training, I would have picked up
something, but no, I did not. So I had to find a lawyer. I had to get a lawyer
to help represent me. So I call Rogan,
and I was like, “Remember the Holy Spirit?” And he was like, “No.” And I’m like,
“You don’t remember him?” He’s like, “No.
What are you talking about?” “Remember, like,
a long time ago, “you called me one night
and you said “you needed me to be your lawyer because you were videotaping
some guy?” And he was like, “Sort of. I barely remember that.” And I was like, “Okay, well, I’ve been representing him
for the last half decade.” [laughter] “And he’s suing me now.” And he’s like, “What?
Why did you do that?” I’m like, “A better question is,
did I win your case? And the answer is yes.” So I had to find another lawyer,
and I had to hire her, and she got it thrown out. And the way she got it
thrown out was, one, it was written
in Magic Marker, which is not the standard
ink type for a lawsuit. And then she showed
the judge that, and she showed the judge
that the original amount, what he wanted to sue me for,
was not $800 million. The original amount was
“all the riches in the world.” [laughter] He legit wanted to sue me
for all the riches in the world. And the court clerk
had to be like, “That’s not an amount. You can’t get all the riches
in the world.” And they were like,
“What does that mean to you?” He’s like, “Oh, 800 million.” So she got it thrown out
with–with… prejudice, thank you. That sounds like
a real lawyer. You’d think I would have fucking
remembered that one. Yeah, which prejudice,
which means he can’t ever sue me again. “Also, do you want
to countersue him,” she said, “For damages
for putting you through this?” And I was like,
“What do you mean?” She goes, “That’s what karma is,
you know? “He can’t, like,
put you through this. Now he’s gonna have to go
through his own thing.” And I was like, “Oh, no,
karma’s already….” [laughter] Like, I’ve never seen it
as clearly as I have right now. But, like, it’s done. It already came and went back
to where it was supposed to. All right, that’s my story,
everybody. Thank you very much, you guys.

100 Comments

  1. Never understood how the host would introduce himself as the comedian. Just is strange, not a bad thing but what's up with it

  2. That was hilarious!! Also youre the HOTTEST COMIC EVER AND I LOOOOVE YOUR VOICE 😆 seeeXXXy voice FOR SURE!!! Love this platform, comedic the stories omg 😲 AMAZEBALLZ!!!😂😂😂😊😁😘💋❤

  3. Some people look a lil different when they shave their heads, but Ari goes from looking like a silicon valley computer nerd to a high profile sports agent

  4. okay lets fuckin rip this shit apart.

    that thing about ''who are the jews here? get em!'' is someone elses bit.

    so ari bitches to rogan about mencia stealing his bit but then ari goes and steals a bit.

    THE FUCKIN HACK CIRCLE IS COMPLETE YOU HYPOCRITE

  5. A guy that thinks he’s the Holy Spirit, now that’s someone you keep around for a while. I’ve always wondered what those guys do when there not preaching. Also, I’ve always wondered what it feels like to be a rich lawyer so this story is a two birds one stone.

  6. What about the Genocide of 100 million natives by the Jewish Freemason Christopher Columbus??? CC like 33 like freemasonry… Learn gematria know the Talmud. Kabbalah new world order. Time to be a leader and hold the Manchurians and Zionist actors accountable and change the path of the world and humanity

  7. Ari, every time you talk about mushrooms, I act high

    I’ve never taken any drugs in my life, (as far as I know)

    Ok, my good friend?

  8. Mistranslation not Mike (is a wheel her karma) Same like Sammie. Hunt for the clues how you chosen? Rose then? No stillest is fastest superposition. Sammie. Not making per cents yet????

  9. Ari not making per cents yet? It's okay still kind to her name is Natasha. So you're okay Ari but not Joe Rogan rich is Rick James.

  10. Su su AMA tear you a new one even Lao T(sometimes is a best balance of quantum and Newtonian until this the now infinite mind be mindful are you kidding me?) Define what? That will delete existence at some point dumbass…we joke a lot…
    Prince by Dave Chappelle "this bores me…the revolution…"…

  11. STAR LORD BINGO Harshad (number) #Story
    C3P0ed Without a —– Paddle
    Then to Joey Diaz Hyacinth high a sin in Color land…
    Then MKTO Classic 🎵

  12. See below Star Lord Bingo Directions. Here is late her posting…
    START f(x) has the plus
    f(XY2MMMk..
    Plus Xs…Superposition laughter…
    LComedy=whatever you want added speak & spell etc…) +
    [Comedy babble un an idiot]
    Ex:
    Combo order. Detectives Carter I'll take 5s with that &
    [I beat the air pair ant lee…buy me pla(n]ed a ticket no then off air for r and CC)…


  13. YTP, YtP, [YTP]…YouTube Movement (as in look around your youtube for letters like this YTP, ytp, etc.
    Also movement can be to walk or…
    So for Ari Shaffir I let you a no diss on Sal Vulcano's episode
    It starts like…
    'Three dimensional language aka spell to speak Babylonian direct the shuns'
    Also:
    3D Linear time frame game out of order edit here added later (it's ok if it's in good fun) so directions….see Sal Vulcano the comment already species specified above [later STARLORD reference if you follow along eventually she'll say in a video representing herself No U] play along and around to find that video again 3D time who cares when you get it it's ok Sal Vulcano does so seek i.e.in the faux there…

  14. Comically dumb is STARLORD teach 3D language on a Third dumbass Rock was a Rick James [see this is me too my other Nick can B a name plain to in pardon my…etc] from the S(h)UN(sum) [follow along referring also GG reference later on…

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