Ladies and gentlemen,
Brody Stevens! (rock music playing) (tambourine rattling) Yeah! Boston! Yes! ♪ Red Sox ♪ (audience cheers) ♪ Patriots ♪ ♪ Tom Brady ♪ ♪ You got it ♪ ♪ What a great crowd ♪ ♪ I’m so happy
to be here with you ♪ ♪ Welcome to Beantown ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Whoo ♪ ♪ You got it ♪ ♪ Push, believe,
do what you want ♪ ♪ See that Brody Stevens,
I will applaud ♪ ♪ Yes! You got it ♪ ♪ Yes, you got it ♪ ♪ Push, believe, bring it down ♪ ♪ I’m gonna start my joke
right about now. ♪ Yes. (audience cheering) (whoops) Crushed it! You got it, you got it. Two, one, two, check. MAN:
Positive energy. Positive energy! (audience cheering) Boston, Massachusetts! Paul Revere! Plymouth Rock! Salem witches. (woman whoops) You got it. I’ll take a train to Salem looking for a witch, dude. That’s what I live in. Boston, you got it, you get it, what a great town. Harvard, the Celtics, Ben Affleck, andArgo.Give it up forArgo!(audience cheers, applauds) Ben went in there against my people’s wishes, and he got ’em out. I think.
I haven’t seen the movie yet. I don’t have the screener. I didn’t pay my SAG dues. Stay with me. Positive energy. You got it. Yes! (whoops) Perfect beard, Lee Press-On Eyebrows,
everything. He’s ready to go. I’m very good-looking. Uh, I’ve… I’ve done a lot of modeling
in Pakistan. I am, uh… currently on the cover
ofCamel Beat.You’re in good hands, guys. You’re in very good hands. I’m professional. I’ve been in this business
now for six weeks. I’m… doing things… I was onLast Comic Standing,
thank you. (audience cheers) Season four, episode one. Did great on that, signed a television
development deal with the Al Jazeera network. We’re producing the first
English-speaking sitcom on the Telemundo channel. Stay with me. You hear a joke,
give me a chuckle. Help me out. This is my life! I flew in through Detroit… to get here. Nothing wrong with that.
My mom’s from Detroit. Yes, Michigan. You got it. Sleeping tonight in Palm Desert
surrounded by staff. (laughter) Stay with me. Chuckle with me.
I get it. I’m very hairy. (laughter) Growing up, most kids
in my neighborhood had Flintstone Vitamins. Somehow I had Rogaine chewables. (laughter) Yes! I’m retiring that joke. You got it. Tonight I retire these jokes! (cheering, whooping) No more. You remember me
fromPremium Blendin ’99 at the 92nd Street Y
in New York. They chopped me up,
they edited everything out, but I’m back 13 years later. 13 years to get the perfect 30. You got it, 13 going on 30. Which was a movie with the girl who’s married to Ben Affleck! Pull it around.
You got it. (cheering, whooping) The chick fromAlias.Things are going great.
Stay with me. Positive push.
You got it. I help you, you help me. I scratch your back,
you shave mine. (laughter) Lot of people say, “Brody,
you live with your mother? “You live with your mother. You’re 42, you live
with your mother.” A lot of people say that. That is not true! I don’t live with my mother. I live with my sister… in a condominium
owned by my mother. (laughter) Louder chuckle.
Stay with me! (cheering, applause) I’m intense.
I get B.O. in the shower. (laughter) My goose bumps
turn into whiteheads. I’m a good guy…
My sister beat me up. Don’t think, like,
it’s all about me. She beat me up. She punched me.
She kicked me. She spit on me.
She beat me with keys. She threw a pan at me. And you’re saying, “Brody,
what beatings hurt the most?” The beatings with the keys. (laughter) Yeah. Why, you ask? Because my sister was a janitor. (laughter) That’s a lot of keys
to throw at your younger brother for stealing your Menudo album. Again, help me out over here. I’ve done over 2,000
television productions. Stay with me.
I get it. I’ve got head shots, 11 by 17. I stand out in a pile. Booking things.
You got it. Giving back to my mom.
That’s right. Got her a GPS
navigational system. My sister and I went in and got a GPS
navigational system for my mom. Uh, we had the chip
implanted in her neck, (laughter) so, uh… Yes! You got it. Arms crossed, negative. Arms crossed, negative.
I read energies. My family’s from New Mexico–
pioneering Jewish people of the Southwest. Where do UFOs land?
New Mexico! I read it. I get it. My mother loved
the arts and crafts. She loved it.
She was creative. After giving birth to me,
she had her tubes tied into a balloon animal. I’ve never seen or heard
my parents have sex. I’ve smelled it. (laughter) Yes! That’s a reaction bit. The people
with their arms crossed, I felt it
and I had to go to that. Again, I’m retiring these bits. That may be the last time
you hear that attack line. But I got it. I get it. From L.A.
8-1-8 till I die. (cheering, whooping) San Fernando Valley. You got it.
(whoops) Respect the Celtics.
Respect the Red Sox. Respect Harvard.
Respect BC. (audience shouts, whoops) Respect Emerson. Respect… Sam Adams. (laughter, whooping) Guys, I wanted
to drive here tonight… but I broke down… (voice trembles):
in my daddy’s arms. (laughter) Why are you not
laughing at that? That hurts meandmy father! I will talk to the crowd. I will break down
the fourth wall. I’m intense. Twice I charged
the mound in T-ball. (laughter) I went right after
that parent’s fanny pack. And why do they call it
a fanny pack if it hangs over your genitals? It should be called a sack pack. (laughter) That’s a simple joke.
You got it. Go ahead and applaud
on that one. (cheering, whooping) You’re applauding a joke
I’ve been doing for 15 years! In front of rehab groups. Latino gang members. And I’m connecting
with you. Yes! (laughter) You got it. I am parched. Does anybody here have any
freshly squeezed Sunny Delight? (laughter) My lips are dry. I have chapped herpes. Yes! One-liners
coming out of nowhere. Going off script, pushing,
staying dry, taking Lamictal. It’s a mood stabilizer. I live in the ten-dollar
co-pay world. I get it. I’m looking at you people. I hang out at Dunkin’ Donuts. Threw my cup at Starbucks. When I come to Boston,
I support your town. (cheering and applause) Yeah. Where’s Michael Dukakis? Take me to your capital, Springfield. Is that this capital? I’m a good guy.
Guys, I’m a good guy. I call 911 when I see
an accident on NASCAR. I’m a good guy. Went to Panda Express today.
You know, I tried that. I went there. They have
some new… items on the menu. I tried the Chinese chicken
salad at Panda Express. Uh, that was a mistake. Two hours later, my toilet
looked like Tiananmen Square. Yes! Political joke. How dare you? I have a Macintosh.
Don’t go against me. What are you guys,
a PC or-or Dell crowd? I’m Mac. Mac! I’m s… I’m intelligent. I wash my face with Smartwater. Look, I want to break
some news to you: was… I… in…The Hangover?Yes, I was. (cheering and applause) But nobody recognizes me.Hangover I,in it.
Hangover II,in it.Funny People,cut out of it. Upsetting to me. But, uh, you know,
I don’t get recognized. And I’ll hang out at a Redbox
in front of 7-Eleven. Doing my lines. I’ll walk through a mall hoping
for a double-take eye contact. But that doesn’t happen.
You know why? Because I’m a good actor. What do you think about that? (cheering and applause) I can play different roles. How dare you… not put me inHangover III?It’s gonna be World War III. I was inThe Hangover,man.
I did it. They didn’t bring me back. And let me tell you what. Who wants me to do my line
fromThe Hangover?(cheering and applause) And I’ll tell you something. I’m probably legally not allowed
to do the line! But I don’t care. I don’t care. I’m a maverick.
I push it. I take chances. I’m doing my line
fromThe Hangover!(cheering and applause) All right. So, my call time to be on set
is at 6:30 in the morning. I show up at 4:00. I beat Bradley Cooper
to the set, I beat Ed Helms, I beat the Asian guy,
and I beat Zach. And I do my own makeup. I bring tinted Clearasil
and a black Sharpie. The scene is the police station. They just got arrested. They’re handcuffed, and I got to
walk into a room full of people not unlike the Royale here
in Boston. The deck stacked against me. Who is this guy
with the perfect beard? Who is this guy
with the extreme temple lines? (laughing):
Who is this guy…? (cheering and applause) (shouts) The scene is the police station. I walk in. Here we go. Three, two, one, action. “So after we take
their mug shots, “we bring ’em on down here, “where they wait
to be interviewed “by the arresting officers. “Trust me, kids, you don’t want
to be sitting on these benches. We call this place Loserville.” (cheering and applause) Yes! Number one R-rated comedy! UntilTedknocked it off. Shot here in Boston. (cheering and applause) Didn’t put me inHangover III.Tedknocked it off. I’m not inHangover III.
It’s gonna be World War III. I’m gonna go from Warner
Brothers to Bang Brothers. Not apart of the mile high club that’s having sex
in the airplane. I’m not a part
of the Mile High Club. However, one time I jerked off
on a Ferris wheel. L.A. County Fair
during the Sugar Ray concert. If you want to applaud, you can. If you like Sugar Ray, you can. Guys, great news! I just got it. I booked another movie! (cheering and applause) Uh, it’s an adult video out
in the San Fernando Valley. I’m doing a solo scene
on a yoga mat. I’m intense, I’m flexible,
I take protein and fish oil. Stay with me. Whether you get it or not, I’m a good guy. I’m a good guy.
I’m a great athlete. I could throw a football
70 yards. You don’t believe me? Somebody here give me
a moist Nerf. I’ll do it. Like a cat! Whoo! 5-hour Energy shot. Yes! All night
with a Red Bull chaser! Pushing it.
I want heart “palipitations.” Sweat is my friend. Things are going well.
I live in L.A. I’ve got a great apartment:
carpeted bedroom, carpeted living room,
carpeted balcony, sub-Mediterranean parking. I live above a Lebanese
chicken restaurant. I just bought
a 1996 Toyota Avalon: leather exterior, cruise control in reverse, bumping sound system, listening to Bow Wow
and Luda’ris. Arms crossed: negative. Arms crossed: negative.
Hands in your crotch: negative. Negative, negative, negative,
negative, negative! I’m positive energy. You got it. Good things are happening to me. I was on YouTube today. 19,000 hits today on YouTube.
Thank you. (cheering and applause) Uh, I uploaded 20,000 videos. So it works out in my favor. Next year I’m gonna be
onArmenian Idol.Um… I’m retiring these bits. I work out. I bench-pressed 250 pounds
today. (cheering and applause) Thank you. Thank you. Uh, at Curves. Her name was Sheila.
She fell off the LifeCycle. And I got her back up. We hugged and had a smoothie. Went to college, took
the Scholastic Aptitude Test. You get 300 points
for just signing your name. I signed my name three times
and walked out. And that’s why I worked
at Red Robin for two years. Smart guy, went to college–
Arizona State University! (applause and cheering) 2.52 GPA. Communications. Got it. Very smart. The Asian kids would cheat
off me. I got back at them.
I cheated off them. Unfortunately
it was in driver’s ed, so, um… (laughter) Are you kidding me?! I’ve done that joke
in San Francisco. I’ve done that joke
in Vancouver. I’ve done that joke in Bangkok,
and I come here, and you shut me down? You don’t do that. I’ll fight you
out on Boylston Street. (scattered applause) You don’t do that to me. I’m blue collar Jewish. I’m a good guy. I download all my music legally. But I stole my iPod, so, uh… (laughter and applause) Went to Cleveland, Ohio. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,
checked it out. They have a Nickelback
tour jacket at the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame. Could you believe that? Nickelback has a tour jacket at the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame. Uh, it’s in the lost and found. (laughter) (applause and cheering) Thank you. I was in a pretty bad car wreck
a couple years ago, so it’s great for me
to get back on stage. A lot of people thought
I couldn’t do it. I was in a bad car wreck,
and, uh, I went through the windshield. Uh, my nose punctured
the air bag. Uh… (sighs) They stole my yarmulke. You don’t do that. They stole it. It was a New Era
fitted yarmulke, seven and three eighths. I got it from Lids
at the airport in Las Vegas. And they stole my yarmulke.
It’s upsetting. I got my buddy to find out
who stole the yarmulke, and we wrote a movie about it. It’s calledSchindler’s Pissed.I’m retiring that joke. (applause and cheering) Stay with me! (applause, cheering,
and whistling) I mean, I’m breaking down. I almost didn’t make it tonight. I almost canceled this gig–
the biggest night of my life. I wasn’t…
My voice is breaking. I’m under the weather. I’m like Michael Jordan facing the Utah Jazz
in that final game. (applause and cheering) I… don’t… quit! I wasn’t feeling well. I went to the bathroom
this afternoon, and I noticed
that I had two pieces of corn. In my urine. (laughter and groaning) Still on the cob. Salted. Buttered. With the little sticks on it. But I made it here, ’cause I care about you guys, and I care
that I can share with you. I care that I can share. It’s been a tough week for me. I just recently found out
that my grandfather, um… has Down’s syndrome. (sighs heavily) (sighs) They’re gonna let him
keep his job. Uh, he works at Forever 21. He’s a folder. They shuttle him in
on the weekends. Guys, my parents got divorced
on eHarmony. That was upsetting. It was a 30-day
free registration. Stay… with… me. Finishstrong!(applause and cheering) I’m sentimental! Okay? I’m sentimental. I bronzed my first pair
of Crocs. 80% of all comedians you see
smoke pot. 80%. The other 20%? They’re not funny. (applause and cheering) (Stevens whoops) I’m not even a pot comedian. I’m different. I snuck potintoCanada. That’s right. I put a one-hitter
in my urethra. Smell me, dog. Got it in. Booked it. I’ve known Chelsea Handler
for nine years. (applause and cheering) She’s known me for two. Guys, here’s the deal. I’m off…
Uh, I’m feeling better. I’ve made some mistakes. I went off my medication,
it got ugly. My friends called the cops. They dragged me out
of my bathroom. They excavated me from my shower all because I forgot
to take my medication. The cops came in, threw me down, naked, on my testicle,
practically squeezing it. And they wouldn’t give me
a towel to cover up. They came me a ShamWow. I punched two holes into it
and turned it into a Snuggie. You got it.
Positive from negativity. (applause and cheering) I get lonely! Sometimes I go down
to the batting cage just to play catch. I get chicks. I just did a girl from Greece! (applause and cheering) The movie. She’s 65 now. Comedy is not easy. Comedy is difficult. How do you learn to do it?
You have a troubled childhood. Parents divorced,
we couldn’t afford Ritalin. I caused it. They got divorced
at the same time. A double divorce. Mom and Dad. Stayed with my mom,
didn’t have adult supervision, and I wandered. And I got touched. And it wasn’t by an angel. But they caught the guy. You never hear of that. They caught the guy. He got six years in prison. (applause and cheering) He should have got three years,
but they doubled his sentence. Why, you ask? Because I was molested
in a construction zone. Yes! On that note,
let’s bring in the drums! (applause and cheering) ♪ ♪ (rhythmic clapping) (Stevens whoops) ♪ Push! ♪ ♪ And believe ♪ ♪ Push, believe ♪ ♪ Yeah! ♪ (louder cheering) Boston! Captioning sponsored by
TRIAGE ENTERTAINMENT GROUPCaptioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH