CP Time with Roy Wood Jr. – 2018 Episodes | The Daily Show

CP Time with Roy Wood Jr. – 2018 Episodes | The Daily Show


(mid-tempo jazz music) – Ah, welcome to CP Time, the only show that’s
for the culture. Today, we’re
discussing the history of African Americans on screen. It’s how the world sees us, and how we’re forced
to see ourselves. Not being in decision-making
positions at the studio level, but that’s not the point. Whether it’s cleanin’
up for white people, or drivin’ a car for
an old white lady, or drivin’ a car for
a crazy white man, black actors have done it all. When we see a black
character on screen, we’re filled with pride. We’re filled with hope for
the promise of a new day. We also wonder, how long
til they kill this nigga? (audience laughs)
Because every black actor at some point in his
career gets killed. We have the on-screen survival
rate of ribs at a barbecue. You’d think they’d at least
let Denzel live, but no. he dies all the time, (audience laughs)
constantly. My personal favorite Denzel
death is in the movie, Fallen, where Denzel dies
alone in the forest, like a bitch.
(audience laughs) Why was he even in the
woods in the first place? I knew he was gonna die
once I saw too many trees. Ain’t nothin’ in the
forest for black people. (audience laughs) But the history of black
actors dyin’ on screen is full of remarkable
achievements. For example, did you know the
quickest black death on camera was Omar Epps in Scream 2? The only black man to die
before the title sequence. (audience laughs) The movie hadn’t
even started yet, and the producers decided it
was a little too dark in here. Jada Pinkett, get yo
as outta there, too. One way or another, all
black actors succumb to the script writer’s ink. Except for one. LL Cool J. Movie after movie, LL Cool J
hung on til the end credits. Caught Up, lived. Charlie’s Angels, survived. Toys, I didn’t see that one,
but I heard he made it through. (audience laughs) In fact, LL was supposed to
get eaten in Deep Blue Sea, but out of respect
for the streak, the shark ate Samuel L. Jackson. (audience laughs)
Game recognize game, because life loves Cool James. Now, some scholars would
argue that Mr. Cool J died in Rollerball, but the truth is, he fell, and
his body was never recovered, nor seen on screen, leaving
the death open-ended, with room for a potential sequel or TV spinoff.
(audience laughs) So the CP Time recognition
award goes to no one other than LL Cool J. (audience applauds)
LL, you’ve shown young black actors that it is possible not
to get shot in the face, or eaten, or dismembered
in every damn movie! (audience laughs) Now, unfortunately, LL Cool
J couldn’t be here tonight, because he didn’t know he
was gettin’ this award, he ain’t never
heard of this show, and also, nobody would
give up his email address. (audience laughs)
I guessed [email protected] but it bounced back, the man’s a recluse.
(audience laughs) Anyway, that’s all the
time we have for today. This has been CP Time. And remember, we
are for the culture. See you soon.
(audience cheers, applauds) (mid-temp jazz music) Ah, welcome to CP Time, the only show that’s for the culture.
(audience laughs) Today, we look back at
legendary black politicians. John Lewis, Shirley
Chisolm, Barack Obama, just a few of the icons we
won’t be talkin’ about today. (audience laughs)
Instead, we look to those
whose achievements are a little less
appreciated by history. Let’s start with 2012 Republican
presidential candidate Herman Cain.
(audience laughs) Herman Cain was a businessman
with a colorful personality and zero knowledge
of world affairs. – When they ask me
who’s the president of U-beki, beki, beki,
bekistan-stan, I’m gonna say, “You
know, I don’t know. “Do you know?”
(audience laughs) – Man tryin’ to get elected
by speaking gibberish. Herman Cain was
ahead of his time. In fact, if not
for Hermain Cain, black men wouldn’t be
able to get on TV today wearin’ a cowboy hat while talkin’ out the
side of their face. – It is pitchfork and
torches time in America! (crowd cheers)
(audience laughs) – Now let’s turn our attention
to Congressman Robert Smalls. A Civil War hero
who escaped slavery by stealin’ a Confederate ship. Some say that qualified
him as being off the chain. (audience laughs)
Movin’ on. Let’s turn our
attention to Alan Keyes. Another Republican and
legendary politician. Keyes ran for national office in 1988, ’92, ’96, 2000, 2004, and 2008. All he do is lose,
(audience laughs) like a bitch. The brother had determination.
(audience laughs) Hell, I’d be embarrassed if I
lost six national elections. Hell, I’m embarrassed just
walkin’ through JoAnn Fabrics, I go at night.
(audience laughs) I make my own nightgowns,
thank you very much. And finally, no discussion
on black politicians would be complete
without Marion Barry. Barry was elected mayor of
Washington, D.C. in 1979. Was he a good mayor,
was he a bad mayor? Nobody will ever truly know. All we do remember is that
the man smoked the crack. (audience laughs)
That’s right, in 1990, Mayor Barry was
arrested in a sting operation and caught on video
smokin’ crack cocaine. He said he’d get
drugs off the street, and word is bond.
(audience laughs) It’s our own damn fault
for not askin’ him how. (audience laughs) The city forgave
him and in 1994, he was reelected with approval
ratings as high as he was. (audience laughs)
The country was shocked, especially Alan Keyes. He was all angry, he was like, “What the (beeping) do I
have to do to get elected? “He’s smokin’ crack over there!” (audience laughs) Barry went on to
have other scandals. But if voters don’t have a
problem with you smokin’ crack, you basically have
full immunity. That’s why when I
started this job, I showed up two weeks late. Gotta set that bar low.
(audience laughs) Now, nobody cares that
I walk around the office in a nightgown.
(audience laughs) They admire the handiwork.
(audience laughs) I’m Roy Wood, Jr., and
this has been CP Time. And remember, we’re
for the culture. Check out my Etsy page, and purchase your very own
custom civil rights nightgowns. (audience applauds)
(mid-tempo jazz music) Oh, welcome to CP Time, the only show that’s
for the culture. Now, normally, when you think about
African American innovation, you think about the peanut, or booty twerkin’.
(audience laughs) But today, we’re
discussin’ the history of African American innovators
forgotten by time. Because black innovators
have been contributing to America’s economy
from the beginning, and no I’m not just
talkin’ about slavery. But let’s talk about slavery!
(audience laughs) Jack Whiskey, for example. Now, you might think
this fine Tennessee hooch was invented by some
goofy ass white dude, and to be fair, Jack
Daniels does sound like the name of a dude
that fights raccoons. (audience laughs)
But did you know it was a slave who taught
Jack how to make whiskey? That’s right,
whiskey in the 1850s was taught to Jack
Daniels by a former slave. His name was Nearest Green. The whiskey ended up bein’
named after Jack Daniel, even though Nearest
Green wanted to call it, “Hey, man! “Drink this shit to get
yo’ mind off of slavery” (audience laughs) After the Civil War,
Nearest Green became America’s first black
master distiller. So, let’s honor Mr. Green
and the fruits of his labor with a toast. (groans) Damn, Nearest, you
had to make it burn. Wasn’t yo life hard enough?
(audience laughs) (clears throat) Now, on to
the story of Jerry Lawson, a self-taught
engineer who invented the video game cartridge. Before Jerry Lawson, the only video game you
could play was Pong. Look at this
borin’-ass video game. (audience laughs)
Action-packed. Jerry Lawson with his
invention gave black people an escape from racism. Much in the same way
Nearest Green did with his Jack Daniels. So, let’s toast
to Nearest Green. (audience laughs) (groans) It burns. (sniffs) Like a bitch. (audience laughs)
(clears throat) Finally, our last black
innovator, Lonnie Johnson, an aerospace engineer who in
1982 invented the Super Soaker, and invention that brought
joy to both children and wet t-shirt contest
audiences alike. (audience laughs) Anyway, the only reason I
wanted to mention Lonnie, so that I can
honor Nearest Green in the most efficient
way possible. (audience laughs) High-pressure
alcohol dispensing. (audience laughs, applauds)
That’s right. Oh, Lordy, Lordy right there. Yes, Lord. Whew!
(audience laughs) Lordy, Lordy! (clears through) So
there you have it. To black innovators,
we say thank you. Now, somebody bring me a soda, ’cause I gotta get somethin’
to chase this with, ooh, Lord!
(audience laughs) (mid-temp jazz music)
(audience applauds) Ah, welcome to CP Time, the only show that’s
for the culture. As we end Black History Month, we look back on the
accomplishments of black women. And joinin’ me for this
episode is Dulce Sloan. – Thank you, Roy. But I’ve been here
for every episode. – Oh, I think you
must be mistaken, CP
Time is a solo show. – No, no, no, no,
check the tape. I was there when you
talked about actors, and black politicians, and I was right in front
of you during the last one. – Hmm, I apologize, my peripherals are not
what they used to be. – Don’t blame the
cataracts, Roy, you forgot. Like a bitch.
(audience laughs) But it’s okay, black
women have been overlooked in American history, but we’ve still
accomplished great things. Like Madame C.J. Walker,
America’s first black woman to be a self-made millionaire. – Oh, no, no, no, I do believe that’s Aretha Franklin, Dulce. – Just because Aretha’s
been in a fur since 1973 doesn’t mean she was
the first millionaire. Madam C.J. Walker earned her
millions in the early 1900s. That’s old money. And she did it with
hair care products. Hair grower, scalp
ointment, and of course, she revolutionized the hot comb. – Ah, the smell of hot
grease and laid edges on a Saturday mornin’! – I have her to thank for
all these scars on my ears. There’s also Marie
Van Brittan Brown, an innovator who in 1966, during the heart of the
civil rights movement, invented the home
security system. Before her, when someone
broke in, people just yelled, “Hey, man, don’t take my shit!” (audience laughs) – But while her
invention might have dramatically decreased
theft, it didn’t stop ADT from stealin’ the idea
from her. (chuckles) (audience laughs) – We also can’t forget
Mae Carol Jemison, the first black woman
to travel in space. – You know what, I’ve
always said, Dulce, is that more black people
should go to space. Not even for science,
just for safety. There’s no police up there.
(audience laughs) – Ooh, facts, facts. – I just wanna thank you for bringin’ these wonderful
pieces to the show. We often forget what black
women did in American history. – History? We’re forgettin’
black women now. Quick, tell me who founded the
Black Lives Matter movement? – Well, that’s very easy,
everyone knows that’s Deray, the man in the blue vest. – Deray! No, no. (chuckles) The original founders
were Alica Garza, Patrisse Cullors,
and Opal Tometi. – Were they ever
wearin’ a blue vest? – No.
– Okay, well how was I supposed to know. Sound like a fashion problem.
– Oh, wait– – Well, there’s
only 30 minutes left here in Black History Month. And who knows? Maybe next year, there won’t
be a need for this program, because we would’ve
reached the mountaintop. (laughing) That is funny every year.
– Whoo! – I’m Roy Wood, Jr.
– And I’m Dulce Sloan. – And this has been CP Time, and remember,
(mid-tempo jazz music) – We’re for the culture.
– We’re for the culture. – You don’t get to
say, “Like a bitch,” that’s my phrase. – I mean, listen.
– This is my show. (audience applauds) – Ah, welcome to CP Time, the only show that’s
for the culture. This week marks a wonderful
anniversary for black people. It was today in 1999 that Jay-Z
and Beyonce started datin’. (audience laughs)
I’m just jokin’, not only is that the wrong date, but that union was
a terrible tragedy that benefited no one but Jay-Z. (audience laughs)
No, actually, this week marks the
50th anniversary of the Fair Housing Act of 1968, which meant landlords
couldn’t keep black people out of their apartments, provin’ once and for
all that riotin’ works. That’s right, we burned
down those streets until they let us live in those
houses that we burned down. (audience laughs)
Because sometimes, injustice demands action. Like the time my neighbor Darryl kept parkin’ his Miata
in my parkin’ space, until I righteously
set that bitch on fire. (audience laughs) Only thing was, it turned out that Darryl
never drove a Miata. Whoops.
(audience laughs) And the good news
is, many years later, black people are still
affectin’ housin’ policy, this time from the inside. Just look at Housing
and Development
Secretary Ben Carson. A man who’s 30%
black and 70% asleep. (audience laughs)
Last year, Dr. Carson tried to
stop an Obama program that let poor people
use housing vouchers in rich neighborhoods. Finally, after decades
of racial discrimination, black people have
reached the point where we can help
to discriminate. We made it to the
mountaintop, Martin, and we gon’ push these
other Negroes off it. (audience laughs) Now, the Fair Housing
Act was just one of three major civil rights
laws of that time. There was also the Civil
Rights Act of 1964. This was the act that
allowed black people to sit at the counter
at Woolworth’s. A lotta young people don’t
remember Woolworth’s, but it was one of the
rare department stores that also served food. Today, it would be
like me eatin’ lunch at a Ross Dress for Less, (audience laughs)
which I do. The third great civil rights law was the Voting
Rights Act of 1965, which let the federal
government intervene in states that suppressed
the black vote. It was a landmark
piece of legislation. Or, it was, until 2013, when the Supreme Court knocked
down a huge chunk of it. They said it worked so well,
we didn’t need it anymore. The Supreme Court
did the same thing that I did with
my diabetes pills. They started workin’, so I stopped takin’ ’em.
(audience laughs) You keep takin’ something,
and it’s workin’ Hell, it’s the best
decision I ever made, ’cause I got to have it, I’ve got to have it, baby.
(audience laughs) – Mm-hm, that’s alright, but, (clears throat)
(audience chuckles) and I’m back.
(audience laughs) So that’s the story of
the Fair Housing Act, the Civil Rights Act, and
the Voting Rights Act, which together are like a
Lord of the Rings trilogy for black people, except for
our Gollum is Jeff Sessions. (audience laughs) Well, this has been CP
Time, and I’m Roy Wood, Jr. And as always, remember,
we’re for the culture. (mid-tempo jazz music) You wanna see my Ben
Carson impersonation? (audience cheers, applauds) Ah, welcome to CP
Time, the only show that’s for the culture.
(audience laughs) Now, it’s no secret
that black folks love us a good
conspiracy theory, like how rapper B.o.B
thinks the world is flat, (audience laughs) or Mos Def doesn’t think
Osama bin Laden did 9/11, or how I believe
that Khloe Kardashian is OJ Simpson’s secret daughter. (audience laughs) (chuckles) Uh, that OJ, always leavin’ DNA everywhere.
(audience laughs) No wonder they
call him the Juice. (audience claps) But the conspiracy theories
that unite all black people are about the government. Uncle Sam gets more blame than alcohol after a pregnancy test. (audience laughs) Like the conspiracy theory that
the government created AIDs, which I personally
don’t believe. We all know that the
only man-made disease
is kidney stones. (audience laughs) Somebody sneakin’
them stones up there. Think about it.
(audience laughs) Then, of course, there’s
black folks’ suspicion that during Hurricane Katrina, the government blew up
the levees on purpose to flood out poor
black neighborhoods and spare the white ones. That’s right, the government
even turned water against us. I’d expect that from racist-ass
lava, but not you, water. (audience laughs) That’s why I only shower
now with Lime Gatorade. (audience laughs)
Who can you trust? Now, I know you white people
out there, y’all laughin’, y’all think black people
is crazy and gullible, I can hear you chucklin’, (imitates laughing)
(audience laughs) But this is serious, when you realize how many
conspiracy theories against us turn out to be true. Like how black
people with syphilis thought they were being treated, but were actually part of
a government experiment. (audience groans) That’s right, the government
did medical experiments on black people, and we didn’t
even get any superpowers. (audience laughs) If I’m gonna have syphilis,
I should also get to be the She Hulk, or Syphilis Man, or one of the new
members of the Avengers. (audience laughs)
Fair is fair. And what about during the
1960s, when we all said they were tryin’ to
sabotage Martin Luther King? And then in the
1990s, we found out that they were trying to
sabotage Martin Luther King? They wiretapped him and
released salacious transcripts of his most intimate
moments of fornication with random women.
(audience laughs) I refuse to read a single
word of that slander. (audience laughs) I did listen to that
audio book though. (audience laughs, applauds)
Freaky deaky. (audience applauds) So the next time
you’re fixin’ to laugh at a black person’s
conspiracy theory, just remember we’re
battin’ about 250 on these, which brings me to the biggest conspiracy
theory of them all, that Popeye’s Chicken
is a front for the CIA. (audience laughs)
A 10-piece and sides for $20. (audience laughs)
This are crack prices. But thankfully, I’ve been able to resist
this product for years, because I know better than
to ever give in to (gasps) Oh my god.
(audience laughs) Oh, my, oh my God,
they got biscuits, too. (audience laughs) Well, I think that’s all
the time we have for today. (audience laughs)
I’m Roy Wood, Jr., and this has been CP Time, (audience cheers)
and remember, we’re for the culture.
(mid-tempo jazz music) Ah, welcome to CP Time, the only show that’s
for the culture. (audience laughs) Today is the 50-year anniversary of track stars John
Carlos and Tommie Smith’s historic protest for equal
rights at the 1968 Olympics. Not only did they
take a brave stand, they made it stylish for
black people to wear gloves. (audience laughs) Shaft fought crime in gloves, Michael Jackson
danced in gloves. It was a trend that lasted
all the way to 1995, when OJ Simpson
single-handedly killed it, (audience laughs)
allegedly. Fact is, black athletes
have often been our most prominent protestors, because they’ve had
such a big audience, since sports is the only
time a bunch of white folks stare at black people without
the cops gettin’ called. (audience laughs) One of the first recorded
black athlete protests was back in the early 1900s
by boxer Jack Johnson, who boldly opposed racism by
punchin’ white men in the face. (audience laughs) and then dating white women.
(audience laughs) A trailblazer, indeed. But sadly, many black
athlete protestors don’t get the
recognition they deserve. For example, we may
remember Carlos and Smith, but at the very next
summer Olympics, track star Wayne Collett
protested for civil rights by havin’ a casual conversation
during the National Anthem. Look at those two there, Chattin’ like they were
in line at 7-Eleven. (audience chuckles)
“What are you in line for?” “Justice!”
(audience chuckles) “Oh, that’s cool, I was just “gettin’ some Reese’s Pieces.”
(audience laughs) And we all know
about LeBron James fightin’ for Black Lives Matter, but not many people
know that in 2016, the entire WNBA
Indiana Fever team took a knee before
a playoff game to protest police brutality. – [Audience Member] Yeah. – The Fever lost that game, and I lost $400 bettin’ on ’em. (audience laughs) I know what I owe you, Ricky. Stop gettin’ my kids
involved in this. (audience laughs)
You’ll get your money. And we all hear about Colin
Kaepernick and his protest, but not everyone remembers
NBA player Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, who refused to stand
during the anthem to protest American
injustice against Muslims. Rauf’s courage opened the door
for people like Kaepernick to not only kneel, but
to do it even blacker, while sportin’ a
afro and cornrows, which according to scientists are two of the blackest
hairstyles on earth. (audience laughs) Only the Jheri curl
reigns supreme. (audience laughs, applauds) Sadly, black athletes
usually pay a price for their political protests. Wayne Collett was suspended for the rest of
the Olympic games. Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf was
suspended by the NBA, and Colin Kaepernick
lost his job and was blackballed by the NFL. Even worse for Colin,
he was punished by Nike with a big-ass endorsement deal. (audience laughs) And you might not think getting millions of
dollars is a punishment. It isn’t, until you start
havin’ aunts and uncles comin’ out of the woodwork
askin’ you for money. (audience laughs) One time, I found a
$50 bill on the street, by the end of the day,
I had six new aunts. The whole thing cost me $200.
(audience laughs) You can’t even
divide that by six. Well, that’s all the
time we have for today. I’m Roy Wood, Jr., and
this has been CP Time. And remember, we’re
for the culture. (mid-temp jazz music) Hey, Colin, it’s your Uncle Roy. (audience laughs)
Can I borrow $400, there’s a loan shark that’s not, he’s not (beeping)
around with me. (audience applauds, cheers) (mid-temp jazz music) Mm, that’s strong. Ah, welcome to CP Time, the only show that’s
for the culture. We’re comin’ to
you from Florida, where next week, Andrew
Gillum could become (audience cheers)
the first black governor of the state. If he can pull it off,
Andrew Gillum would join a long list of celebrated
African Americans from Florida. Black people like
Congresswomen Frederica Wilson, (audience cheers)
a tireless advocate who has worked to
reduce dropout rates, and who has been
a groundbreaking
pioneer in hatwear. She has hats for any occasion. The hat for when
you’re going to church, but then have to go to
a rodeo right after. (audience laughs) The hat for when you
wanna tell your enemies, “Oh, you think you bad? “Bitch, I killed a polar bear.” (audience laughs)
And of course, the hat for when you
just had to do it to ’em for no reason at all.
(audience cheers) Slay, Frederica, slay! But it’s not just politics. Florida has been home to some of our nation’s great
black writers, including Zora Neale Hurston, who has written many
movin’, inspirin’, and life-alterin’ novels that
I intended to read one day. (audience laughs) Not the least of which is, Their Eyes Were Watching God, which I’m told is a book
about a group of people lookin’ up at the sky. Here’s a brief reenactment. (audience laughs) Florida’s also the birthplace
of black acting royalty, like Sidney Poitier.
(audience cheers) Now, most people associate
him with the Bahamas. The truth is, he was
actually born in Miami, two months premature. His parents were here visitin’, and I guess his mother
was dancin’ too hard and Poitier came
right on outta there. (audience laughs) Movin’ on to sports. Liberty City in Miami,
Florida has always been a hotbed of NFL talent, like
Chad Johnson, Antonio Brown, (audience applauds)
and my Uncle Beebo. (audience laughs) Uncle Beebo woulda gone
first in the draft in ’72, but a gator got his foot. But that’s neither
here nor there. We got that gator, and he died. (audience laughs)
Like a bitch. (audience laughs) And finally, you can’t talk
about great black Floridians without talkin’ about the music. First, there’s the
rapper literally
synonymous with Florida, Flo Rida,
(audience laughs, cheers) whose music is
loved by everyone. In fact, Flo Rida is the only
artist you can hear playin’ durin’ a drive-by
and a spin class. (audience laughs) It’s all about that
crossover appeal. But long before Flo Rida
adopted his confusin’-ass name, Miami rap kings 2 Live
Crew made true history, (audience cheers) not just because of the black
guy rappin’ with a Asian, but also in the courtroom, after they were arrested
on obscenity charges. But they defended
the right to perform their butt-nasty lyrics on
songs like, Me So Horny, Hoochie Mama, and of course
the classic, Face Down, Ass Up. (audience laughs) And they won the
case, and in doing so, they ensured all of our
First Amendment rights. And the right to pop that pussy. (audience cheers) That’s all the time
we have for today. From Florida, I’m Roy Wood, Jr., and this has been CP Time. And remember, we’re
for the culture. (audience cheers) (mid-tempo jazz music) Ah, welcome to CP Time, the only show that’s
for the culture. In honor of this
week’s Veteran’s Day, tonight, we discuss
the contributions of
the black soldier, The only armed black people that everybody’s
comfortable with. (audience laughs) Since America’s birth, African Americans have
proudly served this country, even in bondage. George Washington’s personal
servant during the war was a slave named William Lee. The two spent so
much time together, William was even
able to photobomb a
painting of Washington. (audience laughs) Lee and Washington’s
bond inspired many of the interracial action
films we see today, such as 48 Hours, Men in
Black, and Knight Rider. (audience laughs)
You know that car was black. It had a spoiler. Many black Americans have
made the ultimate sacrifice, even if by accident, as when the first shots
in the Revolutionary War killed Crispus Attucks. Though not a member
of any militia, Crispus is my favorite character
to play in reenactments, mostly because his
part is so short, and I get to go home early. “Crispus, lookout!” “Huh? (sputters) “Oh, Lord, I done died
for these white people!” (audience laughs)
(grunts) Those were his
actual last words. (audience laughs)
In the Civil War, black soldiers
fought for the Union in regiments like the famous
54th Massachusets Infantry. And even the Confederacy, upon realizing they
were gonna lose the war, started drafting black soldiers. The south learned the same
lesson the NBA did in the 50s. If you don’t have
any black people, you ain’t even in the game.
(audience laughs) Movin’ on.
(audience applauds) In World War I, the
369th Infantry Regiment fought so fiercely that
the Germans called them the Harlem Hellfighters. And when a German says
you know how to whoop ass, that means somethin’.
(audience laughs) The Great War also provided
many black fighters with their first chance
to travel abroad. And once in France, our brothers in
arms found something they had never seen before, respect for white people. It was so enjoyable in Europe
that a lot of black soldiers didn’t come back,
which I understand. I went to Belgium for two days, ended up stayin’ the
whole summer with Helga. (audience laughs) Oh, she knew how to iron
that Belgian waffle. (audience laughs)
Oh, my waffles, I was there for three months. And then my wife found out.
(audience laughs) I’m sorry, baby, pease,
please let me come home. Please.
(audience laughs) World War II would be a similar undertakin’
for black soldiers, as the only n-word they
heard overseas was Nazi. This war also introduced
us to the Tuskegee Airmen, the first African American
military aviators. (audience cheers)
While history may tell you that there were 932 pilots, it shoulda been 933. My Uncle Beebo was supposed
to be a Tuskegee Airman, but they ran outta planes, which is a shame, ’cause he woulda put a
hurtin’ on them Nazis, but all they gave
him was a bicycle. Couldn’t even ride over
there, ’cause of the ocean. (audience laughs) And in the modern era, no discussion of black
veterans is complete without Colin Powell, the
first African American general to become the Joint
Chiefs chairman, (audience cheers, applauds) and the first black
Secretary of State. He helped lead America
into the Iraq War, proving that a black man
can ruin the Middle East just as much as a white man.
(audience laughs) Now that’s what I
call true equality. (audience laughs) That’s all the time
I have for today. This has been CP Time,
and I’m Roy Wood, Jr. And remember, we’re
for the culture. (audience applauds) Helga, if you’re watching
this program, please email me. I would like to meet our child. (audience applauds) (mid-temp jazz music
and jingle bells) Welcome to CP Time,
(audience laughs) the only show that’s
for the culture. Today, we discuss black people and the joyful, festive
holiday of Christmas. So let’s start with slavery! (audience laughs)
‘Cause remember, black people weren’t celebratin’
Christmas before that. None of us were on the
boat ride over here going, “Fa la la la la, “deck the halls.”
(audience laughs) But once they were in America, many slaves began
to see Christmas for the blessin’ that it was, a chance to escape
while their owners were away for the holidays.
(audience laughs) The great abolitionist Harriet
Tubman even used Christmas to free her three brothers. Which may sound good to you, but if I let my sister
free me around Christmas, I’d never hear the end of it. (audience laughs)
Every year, she’d be like, “Oh, thank you so
much for the slippers. “This almost as good as the
gift I got you last year, “not shackles!” And then I’d be like,
“Shut up, Bernice! “You’ll ruin the holidays.”
(audience laughs) Of course, music is an
important part of Christmas, and black people
have been covering and improving the
classics for years. Like Let it Snow,
by Boyz II Men. (audience cheers) Or, Do You Hear What I Hear, by me.
(audience laughs) Here’s a sample. ♪ Do you year what I hear ♪ ♪ Sounds like oppression. ♪
(audience laughs) But some holiday music is tainted with a
history of racism. Like the classic, Jingle Bells, which at first just seems like an innocent song about
reckless driving. But back in 1857, its
first public performance was part of a minstrel show sung by a bunch of white
dudes in blackface. It’s a terrible legacy, and that’s why every time I
see a one-horse open sleigh, I key that shit for justice.
(audience laughs, applauds) But it is also
important to recall the true reason we
celebrate Christmas, Santa. The breakthrough for
black Santas was in 1943, when one of Harlem’s
biggest department stores hired the country’s
first black Santa Claus, which surely was a
distraction for customers who didn’t know
what was goin’ on. I’m sure they was all like, “Who’s that nigga in the red
jacket talking to my child?” (audience laughs) After that, black
Santas took a 70-year L, until two years ago, when Larry Jefferson became
the first black Santa at the white-ass
Mall of America. (audience laughs)
A victory for our people, mostly because Larry used
his employee discount to get all the black
people he knew 20% off. (audience laughs)
A hero, indeed. But Kris Kringle
would be nothing without the gifts he brings. The toys. Without the toys, Santa’s just a fat bastard
that broke in your house. And for decades, manufacturers
didn’t even consider making toys for black children. And when they finally did, some ’em would just
paint white dolls black. Like this Willie Talk doll. Look at that. Looks like Willie got
thrown into a bonfire. (audience laughs) But the great thing about kids is they’ll like
whatever you give them, because children are
not very intelligent. (audience laughs) Like my favorite toy
when I was a youngster was Mr. Chompy Chomp.
(audience laughs) Oh, I played with Mr.
Chompy Chomp for hours. I’d make him wobble,
I’d make him talk to me, and lose all his teeth.
(audience laughs) Took me 45 years
to realize this, Mr. Chompy Chomp was a stapler. (audience laughs) My good friend Cornel
West told me that. (audience laughs) That’s all the time
we have for today. I’m Roy Wood, Jr.,
this has been CP Time, and remember, we’re
for the culture. Make sure you put my
website up at the end so people can order my
compact disk and cassettes. (mid-temp jazz music)
(audience cheers) (The Daily Show theme music)

100 Comments

  1. But hell I guess I am white so if I died early in a film I could do something and try to be controversial. The daily show needs jon Stewart back. #sad

  2. OH MY GOSH. Mr. u made me laugh so hard tears were rolling down my cheeks by 2:22 and I had to stop it there, compose myself and continue and YES! I did know that about Omar. LOL. Keep it going. I love witty clean comedy. Hope u come to perform in Cleveland!!! Bravo!!

  3. Roy , the icing on the cake is the flip'n Christmas movies! They're still made with the white wealthy stereotypical bs. This year the black are elves.

  4. I'm surprised that during the conspiracy episode, Roy didn't mention the CIA's involvement in allowing the crack cocaine epidemic of the 80s to flare up in mostly black neighborhoods in order to fund the Contras. It's a conspiracy theory that a lot of black folks talked about, and yet I never believed it, until reporters started covering it in the late 90s. A House committee investigated and found no wrongdoing, but even if the CIA didn't open sell and distribute the drugs themselves in order to hurt the black community, they certainly turned a blind eye and let it happen, while at the same time our nation was penalizing crack addiction far more severely than the regular cocaine used by more affluent, largely white druggies.

  5. THE USA GOVERNMENT DID CREATE (A) AIDS AND (B) HIV IN ORDER TO KILL OFF THE POPULATION WITH AN EXCLUSIVE NEUTRALIZATION PLAN TO KILL OFF THE CONTINENT OF AFRICA. HIV AND AIDS HAVE A USA GOVERNMENT PATENT.

  6. I remember hearing that Brandy was supposed to die in "I STILL know what you did Last Summer", but her mom made them change the script.

    When you look at that particular scene, it actually DOES look as if she was originally supposed to die. Hmmmm…..

    Poor Jada got killed before the damn credits even got to rolling – LOL!

  7. Roy! Oh Boy! Outstanding! Hilarity at its finest! Thank you Roy!πŸ₯°πŸ˜‚πŸ€£πŸ€—πŸ‘ŒπŸ½πŸ˜Š

  8. Dunno if anyones mentioned it but I cant remember Morgan Freeman dying in a movie. Granted I dont see a lot of movies except for superhero related and/or sci/fi/fantasy stuff but I can recall a few movies hes been in. Se7en Bruce Almighty The Nolan Dark Knight series that robin hood one with waterworld guy I know theres tons more. Maybe when he was younger? Whatever not even sure why I care except hes suppised to be a huge pothead and I can appreciate that. Oh well its probably already been talked to death anyway.

  9. LMAO! Ive always said more black people should go to space, and not just for science, but for safety; there's no police up there. LOL

  10. Ah, Roy and Dulce. Our own self-contained community of living negro stereotypes. Like if two of Trevor's voice impressions came to life.

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