Dan Soder – Tucson Hog-Tie – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored


– Don’t get weird.
I know it’s weird right now, but I’m not fuckin’ dead. I’m here.
I’m telling the story. All right? You can
unclench your buttholes. This isn’t–
This isn’t ghost comedy.[upbeat music]How you doing, ladies? Can I interest you in a… threesome?Welcome to
“This Is Not Happening.”
I’m your host, Roy Wood Jr. [gasps] Huh. ‘Sup, Little Roy? – I did it again.[suspenseful music][goat bleats] – Hello, Roy. How’s the water? Does it feel…pure?[dark electronic music]Can you feel me inside of you?♪ ♪[cheers and applause]You can hear his radio show
“The Bonfire” on Comedy Central Radio. This is Dan Soder.[cheers and applause]– I live in New York City.I’ve been there for ten years. Originally, I’m from Denver,
Colorado. – Yay.
– I grew up in Aurora. – Yeah? People stop cheering after you
say that. [laughter] But for five years, I lived
in Tucson, Arizona, which, uh–there’s a reason
there’s one applause to that. That’s a real niche group. There are good people
in Tucson, but I found most of them to be
angry, sunburnt white people. Just walking around like,
“All these Mexicans…” You’re like,
“Yeah, it used to be Mexico.” [cheers and applause] They’re… [cheers and applause] I hate to break it to you, but
they’re supposed to be here. You’re not. That’s why you’re burnt all the
time. Just go back to the Great Lakes
and eat curdled cheeses. [laughter] It’s what us pinks do best. [laughter] but I also lived with a drug
dealer, which I can’t recommend enough
if you do drugs. [laughter] If you do drugs, live with a
drug dealer. It’s like living at Costco. It’s just free samples every
day. And then Costco gets robbed,
and you’re like, You know what? I don’t think I
should live at Costco anymore.” Yeah, that was a bad idea. I need to really get my life
together at this point. But when I moved to Tucson, my first and best friend
that I made there was a guy named Amir, who was an Israeli kid
from Long Island. – Whoo!
– And–yeah. I don’t know if that’s for
Israeli or Long Island, but we’ll keep it moving
forward. Those are two–yeah. But Amir was the first real
person I met from Long Island, and he was very Long Island. He was very like,
“Yeah, bro.” Like, everything– That just existed
as a sentence filler. Like, “Yeah, bro.” He would do these things that certain people
on Long Island do that they’re
question statements. So he says a statement but
it’s framed like a question. So he’d come in
the living room and be like, “Yo, these Nikes
are ill, right?” Yes. I don’t know if that’s
the desired response. Amir was very good
at selling weed. He was very good at it. It was a natural habit that
he just picked up and ran with. Freshman year, it started
at, you know, 20 bags and then eighths. And then sophomore year,
it was like quarters and half ounces. Then I moved in with him, and it went to, like, ounces
to quarter pounds. You know,
then our lease ran out, but the furniture
was getting good, so I, you know, re-leased. I was like, “Yeah, let’s
keep going with this.” He started to getting, like,
pounds, and, then, you know, he got a fish tank. Hey, drug dealers, stop with
the fish tanks. It’s hackneyed now. It’s also stupid. You’re gonna have a flood. Care about your other
possessions, please. – I’m sorry. I’m really hyped up about this,
as you can tell. But I didn’t have
to sell drugs. I just–I just smoked his weed
and looked at his fish tank. So it was a pretty good
fuckin’ deal. One day I’m going
to do laundry. I’m a broke college student. I have six loads of laundry
in six plastic bags, like I’m fuckin’ moving out of
a girlfriend’s house who has a drug problem. It’s like, “I’m serious, Donna. I am gone now.” But I fill up my car, and I
go–I go to the bank, and I turn $10 into $10 in
quarters. At the time,
I’m wearing cargo shorts, a liquor T-shirt and a swimsuit as underwear, ’cause it was laundry day. I’m not–I’m not that giant
of a piece of shit where I’m just like, “I can
take a shower with it on. It washes it.
It’s pretty much–you know.” [laughter and applause] “It just takes care
of itself.” So I go and I change $10
into $5 in quarters, which I put on my right leg, and $5 in quarters
that I put on my left leg. So when I walk around, it
makes a noise like “shh, shh.” I sound like the shittiest
sheriff in the west. It’s like, “Oh, hello–” Like, it’s just awful.
It was awful. So I have my pockets
of change. I get to my car,
and Amir calls me, and he’s like,
“Yo, we’re getting robbed?” And I’m like, “I don’t–” Is that a question
or a statement? You gotta tell me right now,
’cause this is very dangerous. But he’s like,
“Yeah, I was gonna do a deal, “and these guys came by,
and, you know, “I think they’re trying
to rob me. So, you know,
I called off the deal.” And I’m like, “All right.” He’s like, “Will you drive
around the neighborhood and see if they’re there
or not?” “Sure, whatever.” I’m driving a 1996 Dodge
Stratus. It’s a real hunk of shit. So I probably just look like
feds to them, but I… I do a lap,
I don’t see anybody. So I pull into our carport
that’s under our apartment, and standing there
when I get out of the car, the first guy’s, like,
this 6’4″ piece of white trash. Like–you gotta understand
something about me. When I was a little kid,
my dad moved to this town in Northern California
that grows, like, the biggest pieces
of white trash. So at 33,
I like to fancy myself a little bit of
a white trash sommelier. And this guy was mwah! Just–just a top shelf
piece of shit. He was covered in tattoos
that I can only describe as Mountain Dew tattoos. The same way an adult
would, like, drink a whole can
of Mountain Dew and be like,
“Put fireballs on my elbows!” And you’re like, “That–I don’t
know. That doesn’t sound right, but
sure.” And standing with him is this
5’4″ South Side Tucson cholo blood-in, blood-out like,
“What’s up, white boy?” Like that, like, “Oh, hi.” [laughter] “Hi. No habla.” They’re standing there, and I
get out, and the little cholo’s like, “Hey, man, Tommy Green live
here?” I’m like, “That’s a terrible
fake name, and no.” [laughter] If you’re gonna rob a drug
dealer, change up the fuckin’–
you know what I mean? Like, if he was robbing a coke
dealer, he’s like, “Hey, Mark Blow here?” Like, clearly a synonym of what
you’re trying to get from… But I’m like, “No, no one’s
here,” so he–they leave. They–both of them walk off. I go upstairs, and Amir’s
there, and he’s like, “Yo, did you see
anybody?” And I tell him; I’m like,
“Yeah, he’s a big piece of white
trash, little fuckin’ blood-in,
blood-out.” And he’s like, “Yeah.” He’s like, “Yeah, y’all, those
are the guys.” And I’m like, “Oh, shit, well,
they’re gone. They left.” We look out.
We don’t see them. So, you know, we do what drug
dealers and their roommates do, and we smoke weed and play
PlayStation for two hours. I’m about to smoke a cigarette,
and I grab the barbecue lighter that I use to smoke
cigarettes, ’cause I’m a little bit of
garbage myself… [laughter] And…Amir–Amir gets a call,
and he’s like, “Yo, the deal’s back on. “They want to do the deal
for five pounds, “but they’re gonna do it–
what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna walk to the street
and then get in a car.” And I’m like, “Okay.” And he’s like, “Yo, will you
walk me to the car?” I’m very high, and… [laughter] On weed and victories of
“Madden.” [laughter] And if Amir watches this, he
knows I’m telling the truth. I ran that shit. But he’s like, “Yo, will you
walk me to the car? You’re gonna smoke a
cigarette.” And I’m like,
“Eh, all right.” And then as I go
to the door he goes, “Yo, get the gun.” Now if you’ve lived in Arizona, you know how insanely easy it
is to get a handgun. It’s like buying socks. You just walk in
and you’re like, “Gun.” And they’re like,
“Here’s your gun.” And you’re like,
“This is pretty dangerous.” But I was with Amir,
and we went to a gun show, and I’m not joking
the first thing he said to the first gun dealer
he met was, “Yo, what’s your
cheapest gun?” And you’re like,
that’s not what I want to hear as the person
that lives next to you and knows you’re buying this
for self-defense. What he did is he did buy
the cheapest gun possible. It had a metal slide
but a plastic handle. He bought a plastic gun,
and by the way, we took it to the range. It never shot straight. The bullet always bent like
some trick shot in an action movie. We were like, “Ahh.” So Amir’s like, “Yo, I’ll get
the gun.” And I tell him, I’m like, “I’m not fuckin’
using that thing.” And he goes–and then with
this, like, aggressive Long Island energy he’s like,
“Yo, you dick.” Like, he was mad at me–
he was mad at me for questioning why
I didn’t want to bring a gun to a drug deal,
and he’s like, “Yo, you dumbass,
what’ll happen is “if they got a knife
and you show ’em the gun, then they’re gonna be scared
and they’re gonna leave.” And for some reason I believed
that rock-paper-scissors fuckin’ shit, like– I was like, oh, yeah,
that sounds correct. So I put the gun
in my cargo shorts. I grabbed a Camel Light and the
barbecue lighter. Amir has an athletic bag full
of 5 pounds. He walks out in front of me. Now, I have $10 in quarters on
me. You can hear me coming from a
mile away. When I walk, I sound like a
knight in shitty chain mail. It’s like, “Shh, shh, shh.” [laughter] So we start walking
down the stairs. Right when we get
to the bottom of the stairs, fuckin’ Mountain Dew tattoos
comes around, gun drawn, gets to Amir. fuckin’ the tiny vato
comes right up the stairs, gun on my chest. Like, perfectly
right on my chest. Don’t get weird.
I know it’s weird right now, but I’m not fuckin’ dead. I’m here.
I’m telling the story. All right? You can
unclench your buttholes. This isn’t–
This isn’t ghost comedy. Roy didn’t come up here
in that loud-ass jacket like, “Do you wanna see
the other side?” [laughter and applause] [inaudible] So I got a .45 pointed right
in the middle of my chest. And I’m a child of the ’80s. I grew up with Schwarzenegger
movies and Stallone movies. And always in those
action movies when a bad guy pulls out a gun on the hero,
they always say some cool shit. Like, “You better use that.” Uh, turns out I don’t. I get very polite
if you put a gun on me. I’m like, “Hi, how are you?” I get, like,
customer service voice. “Hi! Has everything
been okay? Would you mind filling out
a brief survey?” [laughter] And as I do that
and I lift my hands up, I’ve already blown the rules
apparently of a robbery, ’cause this guy’s furious
that my hands are up. He’s like, “Put your fuckin’
hand down. Put your fuck–” And I’m like, “All right,
shit, I’m sorry.” And he grabs–
when I did that, I lifted my shirt high enough that he saw the handle
of the gun. So he takes the gun
off of my waistband and he’s like,
“Go back inside.” And it’s like, “Ahhh.” And I’m standing on this second
floor of this apartment looking out over my stairwell
like, “Can I fly?” [laughter] I didn’t really know my dad
that well. He could be part flying
squirrel. That would have been great if I
took off and just drifted away. He’s like, “Fuckin’ white boys
are flying now.” You’d glide away. But he’s like “Turn around.
Go back inside.” I’m like, “Fuck, all right.” And I turn around,
and as I do, he takes my gun– the gun that he took off me– and fuckin’ hits me
in the back of the head. Now, I’m very lucky to have
a minor role on the Showtime show
“Billions.” But the best piece of acting
I’ve ever done in my life is getting hit in the head
by a 5’3″ dude holding a plastic gun and acting like
that shit hurt. He hit me, I was like,
“Ahhh-ahh-ahhh! Oh, you’re so strong!” “You swing it
like a Norwegian god swings a hammer.” So I go to the ground, and immediately right
when I go to the ground, you know,
he puts me–he zip-ties. He pulls out zip ties. He zip-ties my arms
behind my back. He duct-tapes
my legs together, and then he pulls out
an Army duffle bag and just starts
ransacking our apartment. If I could Yelp a robbery… [laughter] Five stars. Uh, guy brought
his own material. He was prompt.
He was direct. He had clearly
done this before. It was the mark of a true
professional. He starts robbing
and he goes around our house, he grabs everything, and
then he starts taking his .45 and coming over to my head
and he starts going, “Where’s the money,
white boy?” – [laughs] [laughter] – That is the creepiest laugh
to have at that point… That sinister-ass laugh from
behind me First off, from telling the
story, you know I don’t trust anyone
behind me, like a… like an old mafia boss. I don’t like anyone sitting
behind me. Then to hear him going,
“Ha-ha-ha-ha. “Of course you were scared. You filled your life fleeing
from you.” [laughter] He takes the .45, and he keeps
going up to me, and he keeps, like, pushing it
on my temple going, “Where’s
the money, white boy?” “Where’s the money, white boy?” Now, I’m fine being called
white boy. I’ve been called white boy my
whole life. The only time it stings is when
I know for a fact I’m a foot taller than you. He’s like, “Where’s the money,
white boy?” I’m like, “I could so dunk on
you.” [laughter] I’ll just “Gahhh! Ohh! [laughs] So and he keeps going, “Where’s
the money, white boy?” And I go, “I don’t know!
I don’t know.” And I notice I start
getting this, like– my tone goes from scared
to, like, bitchy. Like, “Where’s the money,
white–” “I don’t know!” Like I’m an angry lady
at a restaurant. Like, “I ordered that
Diet Coke ten minutes ago.” I think that’s my one critique
of black comedians who do impressions
of white people is they always make us
so corny and over-enunciate. They really miss
the cuntiness in your voice when we feel like
we’ve been fucked over. Like, “Can I speak
to your mana– I need to speak
to someone.” That’s like–whoo! That is angry pink
right there. I’m yelling at this guy like
we’ve been dating for 15 years. He’s like, “Where’s the money,
white boy?” I’m like, “I don’t know,
but we’re supposed to be at my sister’s
in a half hour.” [laughter] So he takes my keys,
and he takes my wallet. And the wallet that I had at
that time a girlfriend had bought me. “Pulp Fiction” is one of my
favorite movies of all time. And–yeah, my girlfriend bought
me the “Bad Motherfucker” wallet. And then I ran into a bad
motherfucker. [laughter] And that is how you define
irony, is when someone takes a joke
wallet off you that’s supposed to be
interpreted as badass. This guy was like, “Oh, this
guy sucks at being a badass.” [laughter] And then he takes my keys, and he’s like,
“Don’t fuckin’ move.” And he goes downstairs,
and I hear him start my car. And if you drive
a piece of shit, you always kinda
want it to get taken. Like, he–
I heard him start that car, and I was like, “Yes.” Fuckin’ Toyota Tacoma,
two-seater. I’m already thinking about
the truck I’m gonna buy. It’s perfect for the desert. It’s fuckin’ affordable. And I looked at the Kelley Blue
Book, right in my range. [laughter] He comes back upstairs,
he goes, “You fuckin’ move again,
white boy, I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you.” I’m like, “All right,
I’m sitting here.” [laughter] He goes downstairs. I hear him turn the car
into reverse, and I hear him pull away
and immediately think, did you rob me
or did I rob you? And then I realize I’m
wearing swimsuit as underpants, and he just took all
my laundry and I was like, I think you just robbed me. I’m gonna have to wear these
for the foreseeable future. I caught–I count
to about 30, 35, and then I just–
pure adrenaline– break the plastic restraints,
hop over to the door, lock it, and light up that
Camel Light. Yeah, ’cause there’s not a
better cigarette than after you’ve had a gun
pointed at you, where you’re like, “Ohh, that’s
flavor country.” [laughter] As I light up that cigarette,
I see my cell phone. It’s a flip phone, ’cause it’s
2004, and it’s dancing;
it’s dancing. It’s like…
[imitates phone buzzing] And I don’t know the number,
and I pick up, and all I hear is, “Yo, are you
dead?” I’m like, “Yeah, Amir, there’s
good cell phone reception in
heaven.” He’s like, “Yo, that guy came
around the corner. “I just got rid of the bag,
and I jumped and ran around the corner;
where are you?” I’m like, “In our apartment,”
I explain, like, the guy took our car; we’re
gonna have to call the cops. ‘Cause he’s got my car, and
I’ve got to report this car stolen if I’m gonna get that
two-seater. [laughter] We come back, we clear the
drugs out of the apartment. I call the cops. They take down a report.
All this shit. Two weeks later, I’m at a bar
in Tucson, Arizona, and I get a call on my cell
phone. They’re like “Mr. Soder, it’s
the Tucson Police Department. We have found your 1996 Dodge
Stratus.” [laughter] I don’t think my response was
supposed to be “fuck.” [laughter] “All right.” He waits a second, he goes,
“Mr. Soder, also, here in the police
report, “it says–it says your wallet
was stolen, Can you describe it for me?” [laughter] I go, “Yeah, it’s the one that
say ‘Bad Motherfucker’ on it.” And the cop without missing a
bit just goes, “Well, clearly you’ve met a
badder motherfucker.” I’m like, “Oh, what are you a
cop or an open mic’er?” “Who the hell makes that kind
of an inappropriate joke “to a robbery victim? But all right, I’ll take it.” And that’s the thing, man,
like, you know, I’ve told this story
several times to my friends, and there’s always this part
where I have to explain that comedians,
we use our sense of humor as, like,
a self-defense mechanism. When fucked-up shit
happens to us, we try to make
ourselves laugh, and that just kinda
makes it better. I made myself laugh
during the robbery. And all my friends are like,
“Yeah, you should get checked. That’s fucked up.” But what happened
was during the robbery, when he had
the .45 on my head and he kept going,
“Where’s the money, white boy? Where’s the money, white boy?” I was like,
“I don’t fuckin’ know.” And finally he goes, “Where’s
your money, white boy?” And I go, “I don’t have any.
I’m broke as fuck.” [laughter] ‘Cause I was. He hears that and he goes, “I find more than
a dollar on you, I’m gonna fuckin’ kill you.” To which my response was,
“Does change count?” [laughter] You have never seen
an angrier criminal than someone wading around
pockets full of change searching for a lost dollar. The anger on his face, like I was just some
disappointing white piñata, was like,
“This guy fuckin’ sucks!” All right,
you guys are a lot of fun. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause]– Dan Soder.[dark electronic music]

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