Elon Gold Stand-Up


[ MUSIC ]
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]>>YEAH. WOW. THANK YOU. WHAT A SHOW! THIS IS EXCITING! I’M EXCITED. [ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
OH MY GOSH. WOW. ALL RIGHT. UM, JEWS —
[ LAUGHTER ] — OK, WHERE ARE MY PEOPLE AT? JEWS IN THE HOUSE? WOW. A LOT OF THEM. A LOT OF THEM. WE’RE REPRESENTING TONIGHT. REPRESENTING. ALTHOUGH WE DON’T REALLY
REPRESENT LIKE THAT. IT’S LIKE WE REPRESENT MANY
CLIENTS. [ LAUGHTER ]
IT’S A DIFFERENT KIND OF REPRESENTING. LISTEN, JEWS, WE’RE JUST LIKE
EVERYBODY ELSE. WE ALL HAVE THE THREE BASIC
HUMAN NEEDS, SEX, MONEY AND FOOD. WE JUST WANT THEM IN A DIFFERENT
ORDER. [ LAUGHTER ]
IT’S TOO LATE FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD. IT’S SEX, MONEY AND FOOD IN THAT
ORDER. FOR US, NUMBER ONE, MONEY. HOW DARE YOU! DO YOU SEE THAT? [ LAUGHTER ]
I LOVE HOW THAT WAS IN UNISON WITHOUT ANY RESERVATION OR
HESITATION. LIKE, WE’RE GOING TO WIN
SOMETHING. LIKE WE’RE PLAYING “THE FEUD”
HERE. TOP THREE ANSWERS ON THE BOARD,
HERE IS THE QUESTION, NAME SOMETHING JEWS —
[ LAUGHTER ] — WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE! MONEY! [ LAUGHTER ]
WELL, YOU’RE WRONG, IT’S NOT MONEY. IT’S FOOD. FOOD IS NUMBER ONE. YOU ASK ANY JEW IF THEY WOULD
RATHER HAVE A HOT BRISKET SANDWICH OR THE CASH VALUE OF A
HOT BRISKET SANDWICH. THEY WOULD TAKE THE CASH AND BUY
A HOT BRISKET SANDWICH AT A CHEAPER PLACE AND KEEP THE
PROFITS, OK? YES! THAT’S HOW WE DO THIS! [ APPLAUSE ]
YES. FOOD IS NUMBER ONE. THEN MONEY AND THEN, YEAH. SEX IS LAST. THAT’S RIGHT. SEX, IF YOU HEAR A JEWISH GUY BE
LIKE, DAMN, I GOT TO GET ME SOME OF THAT, HE’S STANDING OVER A
DELI COUNTER. [ LAUGHTER ]
WE’RE OBSESSED WITH COLD CUTS, PEOPLE. OBSESSED WITH IT. HIDE THE SALAMI. NOT A EUPHEMISM FOR US. WE MEAN IT. ‘S A SINGLE — IT’S A SINGLE —
THEY’RE COMING OVER. HIDE THE SALAMI. I ACTUALLY LIKE FOOD. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I LIKE FOOD
MORE THAN SEX. YEAH, FOOD IS JUST SO MUCH LESS
COMPLICATED, RIGHT? THERE’S NO PRESSURE. IT’S JUST PURE, SELFISH FUN. WHEN I’M EATING A BURGER, I
DON’T HAVE TO BE THINKING, IS THIS ALSO GOOD FOR THE BURGER? [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? LIKE I COULD EAT A SLICE OF
PIZZA IN 20 SECONDS. JUST FINISH IT PREMATURELY. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND THE PIZZA IS NOT GOING TO BE LIKE, WHAT WAS THAT? [ LAUGHTER ]
I’M GLAD YOU HAD A GOOD TIME. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU GUYS ARE FUN. [ LAUGHTER ]
NOW. FUN. NOW, I DON’T — I DON’T MEAN TO
COMPLAIN, BUT I’M MARRIED. I’VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 24 YEARS. [ APPLAUSE ]
YES, THANK YOU. THAT’S TRUE. NOT A JOKE, SADLY. I KNOW, I LOOK AMAZING. [ LAUGHTER ]
YES. I AM MARRIED. IT’S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT TO
SAY THE WORD MARRIED ANYMORE. I’M SORRY. I’M NOT MARRIED. I’M SEXUALLY IMPAIRED. [ LAUGHTER ]
BEING IMPAIRED, YOU KNOW, IT IS LIKE HAVING A DISABILITY EXCEPT
INSTEAD OF BEING ABLE TO PARK ANYWHERE, UM, YOU ONLY GET ONE
SPOT TO PARK IN. AND ON MOST NIGHTS, THERE’S NO
PARKING ALLOWED. [ LAUGHTER ]
THAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SINGLE GUYS AND MARRIED GUYS,
RIGHT? SINGLE GUYS, THEY GO AROUND
LOOKING FOR A SPOT. SINGLE GUYS JUST WANT SOME
OVERNIGHT PARKING, RIGHT? THAT’S RIGHT. IT’S TRUE. SOMETIMES — SOMETIMES WE’LL
TAKE THE FIRST SPOT WE’LL SEE. SOMETIMES THEY WILL CIRCLE THE
BLOCK LOOKING FOR A BETTER SPOT. THEY WILL EVEN APPROACH A SPOT
THAT’S TAKEN AND BE LIKE, ARE YOU —
[ LAUGHTER ] ARE YOU LEAVING? [ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
YOU GUYS ARE STAYING? HOW LONG ARE YOU GOING TO BE? IT’LL BE AWHILE? OK. I’LL GO AROUND. THAT’S SINGLE GUYS. MARRIED GUYS, WE HAVE A SPOT,
AND IT’S OUR OWN LEGAL SPOT, BUT THERE ARE ALL SORTS OF PARKING
RESTRICTIONS. OH YEAH, YOU HAVE TO READ THE
SIGNS ON HER FACE EVERY NIGHT LIKE, CAN I PARK HERE TONIGHT? [ LAUGHTER ]
WILL THIS BE OK? WHAT’S THIS SAY? NO PARKING MONDAY TO THURSDAY,
8:00 P.M. TO MIDNIGHT EXCEPT FOR WEEKENDS, HOLIDAYS,
ANNIVERSARIES. YEAH, I’M NOT GOING TO RISK IT. I’M NOT GOING TO RISK IT. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU GOT TO READ THE SIGNS. EVEN ABOUT POSITIONS. NO STANDING ANYTIME. THAT’S OK. I DON’T — LISTEN IDON’T NEED
ANY FANCY POSITIONS, YOU KNOW? I’M HAPPY TO JUST PARALLEL PARK
AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
I’VE ACCEPTED THE FACT THERE’S NO REAR PARKING. [ LAUGHTER ]
OH NO. NO. NO.
NO. I TRIED ONCE. [ LAUGHTER ]
I GOT TOWED! [ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH. YEAH. [ LAUGHTER ]
THANK YOU. [ APPLAUSE ]
BUT I DON’T NEED ANYTHING CRAZY. I DON’T ASK FOR THREE WAYS. I GET IT. THERE’S NO DOUBLE-PARKING. I GOT IT. I’M NOT LOOKING TO VALET PARK. YEAH, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS
EITHER. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT ALL OF THE RESTRICTIONS, IT’S FRUSTRATING. IT’S FRUSTRATING, RIGHT? THAT’S WHY SOME GUYS ARE LIKE, I
SHOULD JUST PAY FOR PARKING. BUT NOT ME. I NEVER HAVE. EVER. EVER. JEWS DON’T PAY FOR PARKING! [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] OK?
YEAH. THAT’S RIGHT. ESPECIALLY WHEN SELF-PARKING IS
FREE. THANK YOU, GUYS, SO MUCH. YOU’RE A BLAST. THANK YOU. THANK YOU, SIR. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.>>James: ELON GOLD, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN! WATCH FOR HIM ON CRASHING
ON HBO! COME ON BACK, EVERYBODY!

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*