C’mon, Ben. Take a three-pointer What are you afraid of? Oh, right…the fact that it definitely won’t go in This guy talks more trash than a young Kobe And also takes more bad shots than the old one At least I take shots, Benny one-point All right, just roll Some of us actually have real games to play Rude All right, I’ll fake the pass and then drive the lane Ugh, four Oof, that’s a turnover Ooh, mistakes like that can cost you Squire of the Year But I guess you can always try again next year Whose turn is it? I think it’s…Fultz. You’re up No, thanks. I’m not ready What’s happening here? Wait, you got the new 1K? Yeah, just came out But, it’s the end of the season Well, they’ve got to hand-carve all the graphics, Lonzo How is it? It’s pretty realistic Except they made my hair look painted on That’s because it does look painted on Oh, says Mona Lisa over here Well–can I see mine? Sure, let me find it Here’s Gordon Hayward Derrick Rose Ah, crap Klay Thompson Wow, graphics are uncanny Ah, here ya go, found Lonzo Oh thanks I think–wait, I think that’s Michael Carter-Williams Ugh [laughing] Very funny Lonzo, your rating’s actually pretty solid What about mine? Um You know This doesn’t look anything like me I guess they got lazy towards the back of the draft Well, what’s my rating? It’s a 72 What? I’m a 72 and Lonzo is an 80? Weren’t you in a bloody egg last year? Yeah, but that was like a special magical thing It’s probably changed, it’s just that we haven’t gotten the update raven Why don’t you just create your own knight? [sigh] I suppose I should Ugh, what are those? Those are your default 1K boots You start with them Nay, little me can’t be seen in these C’mon now You can purchase swag for your character from Ronnie 1k over there But I’ll warn you, it gets expensive 500 coppers for boots? That’s madness Huh, well, you can’t put a price on style I’m going to fancy up me character Don’t start without me, alright? Hey, uh…you Ronnie 1K? That’s right, fam I am Well, I’d like to try out some of your haircuts please No samples! You try, you buy [scoffs] C’mon Well then, I’d like your finest fur coat for my little knight That’ll be 100 VC What–what’s VC? Virtual coppers Uh, OK Here No, the–these are real coppers We only take virtual coppers Well then, how do I get virtual coppers? You pay me real coppers Are you–uh Right So, can I get 100 virtual coppers? There you are It’s empty Well, that’s cause you just went and spilled ‘em all over the floor Inbound to Lonzo What do I do? First, call out your move You’re on a team with Kuz and Donovan Markelle, you ready? No OK, I’ll send a full-court pass to Mitchell Alright, roll for it [dice on floor] OK Now, I’ve now picked up all 100 of my virtual coppers off the floor and I am handing them to you Please give me the fur coat [laughs] Nice try What? You’re three short! So after the battle, you run into Matt Barnes He asks you if you’d like to join him on a 95-mile quest to kick Derek Fisher’s ass Do you say (A) Violence is never the answer or (B) But sometimes it is? Ugh, seven hells, this is so boring Can we skip this? Nope, sorry According to the rules, you can’t skip the woodcut scenes All right Pure sharp, Demigod, Alpha Dog with Limitless Range Y’all are barbeque chicken Damn, Kuz And it only costs me 20,000 coppers and three of me goats All right Kuz, get in Fultz, the game is almost over You sure you don’t want to sub in? OK, I’m ready Um…hesi pull-up jimbo top of the key Oops All right My ball Two points away from the win I want to dunk over Ben Simmons [laughs] Uh, you know I’m a wee bit taller than Kevin Hart, right? All right, well, we’ll find out. Roll for it Boom! Eighteen! I win! Who says I’m not Squire of the Year? Actually, no You miss What do–miss? How? On an 18? Yeah, I mean your dunk rating It says here your dunk rating’s only 50 A 50?! A 50?!
You need to roll a 20 to pull off a stunt like that Well that’s horse manure I won the bloody dunk contest! At least, I still haven’t received an update Hey, Ronnie! Fix your bloody 1K server ravens! I’ll bet by the time that update gets here I’ll have already have won Squire of the Year May I just mention that I’m the third-leading scorer on the second-best house in the East despite devastating injuries to our finest knights? I think that deserves some consideration Well, if either of your houses were in the West You wouldn’t even be considered for Squire of the Year Stop your squabbling, children The damn Squire of the Year award is overrated By this time next year, nobody will even remember who won Oh, yeah? And who the hell are you?