Richie Gold at Dangerfield’s (1984)

Richie Gold at Dangerfield’s (1984)


– Here’s a guy that’s
always working right here in Dangerfield, okay? We keep bringing him back and back again. He has a tab we’ve been
trying to collect, you know? (laughs) Make him happy, from New York, okay? Richie Gold, here we are. Richie come out here, will ya? (cheers and applause) – So how’s everybody doing? – [Audience] Good. – All right, okay. It’s good to be here. I got to tell you something. You know, I haven’t
always been a comedian. At one time, I taught in the
New York City school system. (laughs) Yeah, I was a speech teacher. (laughs) I had a lot of famous students. I taught Sylvester Stallone how to talk. (laughs) Out there it was crazy, I
even talked like this when I was a little kid. For Halloween, I’d walk up
to some guy’s house and say, “trick or treat.” the guy would give me his
wallet, his car, his wife. (laughs) When I was a kid, I always
wanted to get in those kiddie TV shows. Remember the shows like
Captain Kangaroo, Howdy Doody. Remember the Howdy Doody show? When I was a kid, I sent away for tickets for the Howdy Doody show. I’m going this Sunday. (laughs and applause) I was just an average kid growing up. I was average in school. This is what I heard, though. I heard kids graduating
high school these days, especially city kids, are far
below the national average in terms of their reading and math skills. That’s because they’re given a test. It’s called the California
Achievement Test. The city kids are flunking this test ’cause there’s questions that are like, “If Biff wakes up at 5:00 in the morning, and carries a 50 pound
surfboard to the beach while eating a health food salad. If he gets his wave
going 40 miles an hour, how long will it take
him to get back home?” (laughs) See, city kids cannot relate to this. You have to give city kids questions like, “If Tyrone gets home at
5:00 in the morning,” (laughs) “after breaking into a health foods store, if he can run 10 miles an hour in front of a police car
going 20 miles an hour, how many years is Attica will he get?” (laughs and applause) And I’ll tell you, I’ve
been traveling around, I was all over Europe, I was in England. Listen to this, I was in England, I was in a restaurant, I asked
if they had English muffins, they never heard of them. (laughs) At every country I’ve been through, I realize they have ambassadors. Like France has an ambassador. “Come to France, see the Eiffel Tower.” England has an ambassador. “Come to England, see the Queen.” So I’m thinking in America, every state is the size of most countries, so why not have an
ambassador from every state? For example, the
ambassador from New Jersey, Bruno “Three Fingers” Finelli. (laughs) “Hey, come to Atlantic City. 10 to one you don’t make it.” (laughs) And the ambassador from Puerto Rico, “Hey, come to New York.” (laughs and applause) I got to tell you something, you know, whenever I’m traveling around,
I end up staying in hotels, and I like staying in hotels. I got a nice room, I got a TV, and it seems like every
time I put on a TV lately, they got jeans commercials,
jeans from all over the world. Jeans from Spain, from
Italy, from England. Jeans I have, they’re from
France, they’re called null touche. That’s for people with no tushy. (laughs) So you have no tush to put in your jeans, unless you got doody back there. (laughs) Do you ever see little kids, when they have to go to the bathroom, they don’t know how to ask, so they’re just sitting
there going, “I got dooty.” (laughs) “I got dooty! Got dooty. Dooty!” (laughs) But it would be great not around that you’re working in the office, you have to go to the bathroom, you go, “excuse me, boss, I gotta
leave the office for a minute. Why? I got dooty!” (laughs) “Dooty! Dooty!” Try that, see if you get a promotion. (laughs) I’ll tell you my all time
favorite commercial is for Starkist tuna, where this
little cartoon fish comes out and he goes, “hey, tell
them Charlie sent you.” But just the other day, I’m in
the supermarket buying tuna. I walked by the manager and I said, “Hey, Charlie sent me.” (laughs) He hands me an envelope with $10,000. (laughs and applause) Thank you very much folks,
you’ve been a wonderful audience. (cheers and applause) – Richie Gold.

25 Comments

  1. "When I moved to Hollywood, the first agent I met said to me, "So Richie, tell me something about  yourself .  I said,  " well I'm from New York, I'm married with children, I have no  tattoos  and don't do drugs". He said, "Hey, you've got everything working against you.  To make it in Hollywood you gotta' be a far left, schizophrenic anarchist,  multi-times divorced, substance abusing, space alien".

  2. I loved Rodney's Young Comedians specials back in the day. Saw so many great young comics on there for the first time like Sam Kinison, Rita Rudner, Bob Nelson, Bob Saget…

  3. I do have to ask where is the money going? There's ads on every one of your videos and I'm wondering if there's a place we could donate as fans of Rodney

    Edit: cause if not this is a very cunty move. Just saying but u know your trying to keep the man's legacy and won't delete this comment again. Love ya!

  4. The Norm of comedy cheers.Tab w/ a shot of ha ha.as funny as don't put anything larger than a water gun in your eardrum.

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