Roy Wood Jr. – The “Real” Rod Stewart – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

Roy Wood Jr. – The “Real” Rod Stewart – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored


– And that’s what my mom
got at the house. At my mama’s house, it’s black
Jesus, my dead grandma, me at graduation,
and fucking Rod Stewart.[dark electronic music]Welcome to
“This Is Not Happening.” I’m your host, Roy Wood Jr. We all have that special woman
in our life, the one we like to put up
on a pedestal. – Finger sandwiches, boys? – Aw, thank you, Mom. – Go on, little Roy,
make it rain. – Aww, skeet, skeet.
– There you go.♪ ♪Now, make sure you separate
the ones from the fives. – I know, Ma, I know. – Such a gentleman. – Now I got to pick up
the money. Separate the bills. She the one that told me
to make it rain.– That’s my boy.[cheers and applause] You know this man
from his work on “The Daily Show” with
Trevor Noah–Roy Wood Jr.! [cheers and applause] I love my mom. I love my mom,
but my mom hates everything. Like, whatever it is,
my mom has the gift, like most mothers,
to just find the flaw in whatever you think
is perfect. It doesn’t matter what it is. It doesn’t matter if it’s food, television, whatever,
your outfit– she will break it down
and find the one thing wrong. I took my mom to see
the movie “Gravity.” Sandra Bullock
and George Clooney, beautiful film. A woman lost up there in space, trying to figure out how
to get back down to Earth. I take my mom to see
this Oscar-winning masterpiece. We’re walking out the theater. She boils it down
to one sentence: “It’s just a movie about
a bitch flipping and crying.” [laughter] I said, “What? “This movie is about
a beautiful internal struggle, “the desire to live when
all the odds are against you. That’s what the film”– “No, it’s just a bitch
flipping. “She crying. “Bitch wouldn’t be flipping
if she’d stopped crying. “Stop crying, “and figure out
why you flipping “and then you stop flipping,
bitch. Stop flipping.” That’s what my mom does
to things. I’m not–like, she–
she hates everything. I can’t even explain to you
how much she– I’m not even my mama’s
favorite comedian. I’m not even in her top five. That’s not even a lie. Like, I don’t curse enough. That was her note to me
as a performer. You don’t curse enough. You ain’t no Katt Williams, I tell you that. My mom’s Mount Rushmore
of comedy is Ron White, Katt Williams, Wanda Sykes,
and barely Chris Rock because he walks
too damn much. That’s what she said. Why he got to walk
back and forth while he tell the joke? Can’t he stand still? See, Ron White–
I like Ron White ’cause he stands still
so you can hear the joke. He stands still
’cause he’s drunk, Joyce. That’s why he doesn’t walk. She loves Rod Stewart though. Never heard her say a bad word
about Rod Stewart. My mama got a ton
of favorite musicians. She like all the Hall of Fame
black people, but there’s something
about Rod Stewart. I don’t know what it is. She loves that dude,
and when my mama die, that’s what I’m playing
at her funeral. I’ma put a Amazon Echo next
to her casket, and… [laughter] “Alexa, play
Mama Funeral Mix.” [as Rod Stewart]
♪ If you think I’m sexy ♪ ♪ Come on, sugar, tell me so ♪ [laughter] This is like–and I don’t mean
my mom likes Rod Stewart. She has all his albums. She loves Rod Stewart. She went to New York. Her and her girlfriends
every year, they go to New York,
and they go on this big
theater-hopping tour. They block out four days,
and they go watch, like, eight, nine Broadway musicals. One in the morning,
one in the evening. Some sort of
old lady Coachella, I don’t know what they… You know–
like, you know how you barhop? Like, they do that,
but with theater shows in Times Square, so they’re leaving
a show one night, and my mom calls me,
just, just– [hyperventilating] Just breathing into the phone. Which is scary, when you get
a call from a loved one, and all you hear is breathing. You don’t know if it’s
good news or a kidnapping. You don’t know. I answer the phone.
I go, “Hello?” I just hear… [hyperventilating] “Roy, Roy, Roy…” I go, “Mama, what’s going on?” “I took–I took a picture
with Rod. “I took a picture. “I took a picture–I took
a picture with Rod Stewart. “I met him–I met Rod Stewart,
and we talked about his career, “and he asked me about my job,
and he told me “about all of his projects
that’s–I got to go. I’ll call you back.”
Click. [laughter] My mama met Rod Stewart,
took a picture with him, took the picture home,
put it on top of the fireplace. Like, I don’t know
where you from, but down south,
that is the most sacred place for a picture to be put,
above the fire– he went straight
to above the fireplace. You supposed to earn
the fireplace. You supposed to work
your way up. You got to be
on the end table in the hallway
for a little while. You do good,
then you get promoted to the top of the piano, and you either die
or graduate from college, and you get
above the fireplace. And that’s what my mom
got at the house. At my mama’s house, it’s black
Jesus, my dead grandma, me at graduation,
and fucking Rod Stewart. [laughter] And she loves Rod Stewart. I get home a couple weeks after
this whole shit went down, and I go and look
at the picture, and I start peeping some
discrepancies in the photo. First of all,
there’s a knife and fork in the background. I go, “Where–where are you
in the theater that there’s a knife and fork?” There’s some red and white,
like, wallpaper, and I look closer.
I go, “Mama, you took this picture
at a TGI Friday’s.” And she said, “Yeah, that’s
where I met Rod Stewart.” I said, “Mama, I’m pretty sure
Rod Stewart ain’t “swinging by TGI Friday’s
to knock out “some fucking endless
appetizers. That’s not how Rod Stewart
rolls.” And I go, “Give me some more
details of the story. Tell me about
when you saw him.” “Well, he walked in,
and he was walking around.” I go, “Who was with him?” “Well, nobody.”
“Well, then this definitely was not Rod Stewart!” You telling me Rod Stewart,
fucking billionaire musician is just in TGI Friday’s
by himself just walking around… [as Rod Stewart]
♪ If you like Jack Daniels ♪ ♪ And you like some chicken ♪ ♪ Come on, baby, eat it now ♪ I’m like, “This is not
Rod Stewart, Mama.” We argued back and forth
about this shit. “It is Rod Stewart.” I go, “Mama, I really think “this was a Rod Stewart
impersonator. “I think you got tricked. “You’re in Times Square. “It’s a lot of people
dressing up like celebs, and they charge money
for you to take a photo.” “Oh, he didn’t charge me.” I was like, “What?” Which made me even more upset, because now I know for sure
this person is crazy. Whoever this person is that’s
impersonating Rod Stewart is doing it for free. This dude wakes up every day and puts on the Rod Stewart, puts on the mullet
and the sequined jacket and just walks through fucking
family restaurants, tricking people. What kind of sick bastard… I understand being
an impressionist, but do it for money. Do it ’cause you got a talent. But just to do it
so you can take selfies with 60-year-old women,
that’s foul. That’s some creepy-ass
behavior, man. Me and my mom, we still going
back and forth about it. “It is Rod Stewart. “Y’all just don’t want to
acknowledge the fact “that I met Rod Stewart. Y’all jealous.” So I laid down
the gauntlet, and I print up a picture
of Rod Stewart, the real Rod Stewart,
and I bring it into the kitchen,
and I lay it down on the counter next to
the TGI Friday’s Rod Stewart. [laughter] I did. I laid the real
Rod Stewart here, and then next to him was the Jack Daniel’s
chicken and shrimp Rod Stewart. And my mama looks
at the pictures, and she look, and she look… And then her face dropped. And… and… [laughter] You evil as fuck over there. [laughter] My mama is sad,
and you’re laughing. [laughter] And I felt bad. Like, I legitimately felt
bad because the truth of the matter is
it didn’t matter if it was Rod Stewart or not. She believed
it was Rod Stewart. The shit made her happy.
Let her have her moment. But I was so determined
to be right that, in the process,
I hurt my mom’s feelings, and, thankfully,
it would be a couple years, but I got a shot
at redemption because I did some shows in London,
and my mom asked me, you know, “Hey, I’ve never been
to England. Can I roll with you?” And I was like, you know,
“Fuck it– you a good wingman.
Let’s roll.” [laughter] Shit, my mom cool as hell. I was like,
“Let’s go to England.” And we’re in this department
store in London called Harrods. Harrods of London. It’s one of the most
prestigious department stores. It’s like nothing you–
there’s nothing in America that even compares to it. I don’t even know how
to put it into words. It’s like, take the biggest
shopping center you know and on top of that,
put another shopping center and then on top of that,
put luxury goods, and on top of that,
put a pet store, and then on top of that,
put a grocery store. Like, you can get everything
in the store. It’s just a prestigious
asshole, like, there’s floors of this place where it’s just
literally $20,000 dresses. That’s every rack.
It’s just $20,000 dresses. Like, you got off the elevator,
and you just like, “This is not my floor,”
then you step back on. You go, ding, ding.
[mimics elevator door closing] [laughter] Well, me and my mom got
a pastime that we do together. We go and we look at shit
we can’t afford. So we on the expensive
dress floor, and my mom was looking
at all these gowns or whatever, and one of the sales associates
from Harrods comes over, talks to me and my mom.
She goes… [with British accent]
“Pardon me, we’re gonna have to ask”–
first of all, my British accent is horrible,
okay? Accents ain’t what I do,
all right? “Pardon me,
we’re gonna have to ask you politely to leave.” Yeah, so, at first, I thought
it was on some race shit. I’m like, “Whatchu mean,
white lady?” [laughter] “First show I did,
Oprah Winfrey liked that, “and now you’re gonna–
you think I ain’t got the money “to buy one of these dresses? “Bitch, I’ve been on
BET ‘Comic View.’ You know how much money I got?” Like… just making up credits, arguing with this lady. And she goes…
[with British accent] “No, no, no, no, you’re welcome
to come back in a couple “of hours, yeah, but we have
a shopper who has reserved this entire floor to shop
with a little bit of privacy.” [laughter] I go, “Who?
Who the fuck can afford to reserve
the $20,000 dress floor?” She goes, “Rod Stewart.” [laughter] And I turn to my mom, and she heard it. And she had this look
on her face, and I can’t– I don’t even know how to
describe this look, but it’s– when you see the toy
you really want for Christmas and you’re trying to get
your mama to– [stammering] Like, that’s how
my mama looked. Like Denzel before he cries
in movies. [whimpering] Fucking bottom lip. [stammering] I go, “I got you, Joyce. I got you.” So I turn over. I see Rod Stewart approaching, and Rod Stewart looks exactly how you think he looks
in person: fucking amazing. He didn’t even touch the floor. This nigga was floating. He was just floating through.. [as Rod Stewart]
♪ If you like my body ♪ Like, I do, Rod.
I like your body. Like, I get it now. [laughter] He had his own breeze. You know how rich
you got to be to have a breeze
that precedes you? Nigga, I smelled Rod Stewart
before I saw him. It was… [laughter] Rod Stewart is 30 feet
off of me. His security detail is
10 feet ahead of him, and I’m trying to figure out how I’m gonna get through
these fucking dudes, and I try to get–get up
with one of ’em. And he goes, “No, mate.” I ain’t even
opened my mouth yet. Security dude says,
“No, mate.” I go, “Listen, man.” [sighs] [laughter] “I don’t know how to explain
this to you, “but that’s my mama over there. She’s a huge fan.” “I said no, mate.
Keep it moving, yeah? All right.
No worries.” No, that’s the trick shit
British people do. They say something fucked up
to you, then they say “no worries”
right behind it. And I’m like, “No, bitch.
Yes worries. Yes worries.
I have worries.” [laughter] And it’s getting a little testy
between me and this dude, so I already know the picture
ain’t gonna happen, ’cause I’m an asshole
at this point. And–and in Rod Stewart’s
defense, this dude is in
full family mode. This is not the time
to disturb anybody while they’re out shopping. The dude literally
reserved an entire floor so he could avoid
motherfuckers like me. So…
[laughter] I understand–I wasn’t mad
at him, but we locked eyes for a second–
for a brief second. For three seconds, I was eye to eye with
the only thing my mother has never spoken
negatively about. [laughter] And I know I’m not getting
a picture, so I just said, “Hey, man, did
you ever eat at a TGI Friday’s in Times Square?” [laughter] I told you that wasn’t
Rod Stewart! I’m Roy Wood Jr. Thank you very much.

100 Comments

  1. Your mama didn't hate your daddy and you on that stage today because she didn't hate you enough to leave you in a garbage can she may have thought about it several times but she didn't do it so don't hate on Mama just try to avoid her crazy ass at all cost LOL

  2. Your momma has more artistic sensibilty then you'lle ever have. how can you say that Gravity was a masterpiece, for fucks sake.

  3. Roy Wood is an amazing storyteller. He knows how to segue into the story, pace it, build up suspense, then ultimately subverts your expectations in a hilarious way. He's what I would imagine if I could take the literary skills of a talented author and transform it into a verbal skill.

  4. WE have to get THIS MAN together with Ron White and Rod Stewart, and then have all three punk his mom. THIS NEEDS TO BE A THING! NETFLIX or COMEDY CENTRAL, GET ON IT!

  5. Before recording live stand up each guest should have their laugh screened to avoid hyenas and cicadas from being allowed to ruin the taping!

  6. Maybe the impersonator does do it for money but he saw how excited she was and just decided to be kind. : )

  7. Half this comment section: “that one lady’s laugh?!”
    The other half: “did he just introduce himself!?”

  8. Best camera work I've seen so far for any standup. The face closeup sliding shots were brilliant! (I don't know the technical lingo so apologies)

  9. Wonder if word ever got back to Rod Stewart and he sent Roy's mama a autograph – Seems like the kinda guy that would do it after a story like this

  10. It's not the girl's fault you haters – some of the mics are way too close to people. The CC setup for this venue is not working for what they are aiming for.

  11. This man is such a great storyteller, if he ever becomes a grandfather, he'll be a superhero to his grandchildren

  12. Harrods of London – There is a nearby, valet parking lot that costs 0-hours for 25 pounds; which is about $30. https://www.harrods.com/en-gb

  13. Damn that chicks laugh…. I mean how the hell did he keep a straight face with that laugh going off in the background!..

  14. That one idiot woman just has to make the whole thing about herself with that obnoxious horse laugh whenever everyone else is quiet and she wants to make a display of her silly laugh

  15. Think your family is messed up? Think again. Watch comedians share their most ridiculous family stories on “This Is Not Happening:” https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5pgIBSOJV-fL4uIWR-DZbfI

  16. Rod Stewart is the male version of Tina Turner. That's the way I've always saw him. Some of my favorite songs of his are: 'My Heart Can't Tell You No' <-(my number one personal favorite), 'Lost In You', 'Crazy About Her', 'Infatuation', 'Love Touch', 'The Motown Song', 'Forever Young', and 'Downtown train'. The man has created quite a bit of good music in my lifetime. I'm a 43yr old black man. I'm not a fanatic of rock music, per se, but because of my own childhood memories and cultural upbringing in the south, I can see where his mother is coming from.

  17. That's hilarious, I've joked for years that at my wake I want 'Do You Think I'm Sexy' played on a loop just so everyone knows that even though I'm dead I'm still funnier than all of them.
    🤣

  18. I know a lot of these stories are elaborated on but they are at least basically true stories, this is more of a setup for a punchline using some elements of truth.   Maybe not really a "true story" but it was entertaining and the payoff was great, one of my favorites.

  19. Your mom is right
    I hated that movie they were just flipping the whole movie nothing was happening and you paid for it?

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