I had a feeling that–
that Trump might win because Hillary presented
herself as the strict teacher that follows the curriculum. And Trump presented himself
as the cool sub that let’s you
pick the movie. Like, sure,
you don’t learn anything, but fuck it,
I’ll watch “Twister” again. That’s why I liked Bernie
because he always looked
like he was teaching science outside of a college
that just fired him. Like he was on a curb going,
“You kids gotta learn
about plate tectonics. Don’t trust the text books.
They’re full of lies! Scholastic is an evil
corporation. And the book program
was designed by Pizza Hut
in 1989 to increase fear
and obesity.” That’s how you do
a Bernie impression. You just go…
( mumbling ) It’s like your dad doing
an impression of a dubstep song. Bernie’s– Bernie sounds like
someone who doesn’t want
to eat pussy, but gets more excited
as it goes along. “I thought that this
would be disgusting, but it is rather
quite pleasing. We have stabilized
the clitoris. Rubba-baby rubba-bumpus.” I mean, I tried.
( stammering ) You know, I voted for Hillary.
I did. Like, I voted
for Hillary Clinton with
the same amount of enthusiasm that Steve Harvey has
when there’s two white families
on “Family Feud.” He’s like, “I’m not even
wearing orange or purple,
but just a regular color. What’s a regular person
color?” Lets the mustache go back
to its home planet. I just hope things get better,
right? ‘Cause we have a president now
who’s against immigration. He’s against Muslims
and Latinos. Wants to deport everyone.
I say screw that. I support immigration.
I support Muslims and Latinos. – I think diversity–
– ( cheers and applause ) diversity makes this country
better. You want to know why?
Because I’ve had enough
white Uber drivers tell me about their dreams
and it’s the worst. I would rather deal with anyone
from another country than a 43-year-old named Jeff
who won’t shut up about
his screenplay, okay? Here’s what I’m saying.
We are deporting
the wrong people. That’s what I’m saying.
You want to make America
great again? Don’t send back these
hard-working immigrants who strive to make this country
a better place. Deport every person
that ironically paid to see
“The Emoji Movie.” That’s how you make
America great again. Why don’t we build a wall
around every person that says “Tar-jay”
instead of “Target” and acts like they’re
the only person to do it. “I’m sorry, Mom,
you’re going. You gotta go.” There’s just so much unnecessary
hate in the world. You know, people are even hating
fictional characters now. Like, we had the first openly
gay Disney character recently, which I thought was great,
but there’s people upset
about it. I was wondering who the first
openly gay Disney character
was going to be. Was it going to be Timon
or Pumbaa, you know? Were we going to find out
that “Hakuna Matata” was a safe word
after all these years? Was it going to be Aladdin,
you know, ♪ You ain’t never had a friend
in me ♪ And then we found out
who it was. It was Lefou.
He’s the little guy from the original 1991 animated
“Beauty and the Beast” who sang about how much
he wanted Gaston the whole time. In the 2017 live action remake,
they made him openly gay and homophobes were upset
about this for some reason. They’re like, “Not Lefou! Not pussy-loving Lefou! They’re taking everything
from us.” I love Disney.
I’m a huge Disney fan. My favorite Disney film
of all time is “The Lion King.” I love “The Lion King.”
It’s a great movie. ( cheers and applause ) Well, is this– this more
of a “Pocahontas” crowd? Just conservative
about Disney films. Does anyone remember who the
villain in “The Lion King” is? – Who the bad guy was?
– audience: Scar. You think so? I don’t think it was.
I think it was the asshole
parents who named their child “Scar”
after he was born with a scar
on his face. ‘Cause what’s
his brother’s name?
Mufasa. That’s a badass name.
A tough name, right? Like, Mufasa sounds like
something a cartoon pimp
would yell at his hos, right? “Mufasa, Clarice!
Time is money. Mufasa! Mufasa! Mufasa!” But Scar?
What kind of name is Scar? “Oh, my God. Look at the scar
on his face. We’re done.” They would be like,
“Allow me to introduce you
to my two sons, Timothy and Cleft Palate.”