The pilot was trying to give us
a speech before. It was crazy. He was just like,
“Alright, guys. Before we take off on Cape Air, I just wanna let you know pretty
much the most important rule. You guys know how
on a regular plane…” And I was like, what’s with this
fucking regular plane thing? I was like, get a new spiel. “So, like, you know when
you’re on a regular plane, they’re like, ‘Turn your phones
off,’ but you really don’t have to
turn your phone off? On this plane?
Turn your fucking phones off.” Flew in. Do not like to fly.
And I tell my friends. “Oh you’re afraid
you’re gonna die?” No. I just don’t really like
getting talked down to the moment I walk into the airport. Let’s pull it back, TSA.
Let’s pull it back one notch. You walk in, they just…
“Your shoes have to be off! Your shoes have to be off,
and they have to go on the belt. Take your belt off.
Do you have a belt on? Well, then that comes off.” You’re talking down to me? This is, like, one of the only
places I walk into, look around,
and immediately assume that if I wanted to,
I could just be the manager. You know what I mean?
Like, I’m one application away from just owning
whatever this is. And you’re talking
down to me? “Get your belt off. Do you have
anything in your pockets? No, you can put your ID away. You don’t have to show
that anymore.” They honestly think
that we’re going, “When can I show my ID again?
When can I get this out again?” “You can put it away.
You don’t need your ID. Get everything out
of your pockets, put it in the smaller tub. If you have stuff in there,
it goes in small. Get your computer out. Your computer
cannot be touching socks when it goes through that.
It has to be in its own tub.” Duh. Duh. We all know that.
Computers can’t touch socks when they go through
whatever that is. Know that kind of stuff.
Duh. My other airport nemesis
is airport security. I don’t like them at all.
They seem so dedicated to keeping bottled water
out of the sky. That’s their main thing. It’s probably easier
to get cocaine on a plane than a bottle of water.
Probably the only way you couldn’t get cocaine
on a plane is if they lifted it and said,
“What is this, powdered water?” “No. It’s cocaine.”
“Go right ahead. Enjoy your flight.” Because a terrorist tried
a liquid bomb thing, and now nobody can bring liquids
on the plane. One person messed up
for everybody. But I feel like that’s being
reactive instead of proactive, because terrorists
are always trying new stuff. So next time it’s gonna be
some type of Snickers bomb, and after that happens,
you can’t bring full-size Snickers on the plane anymore. You can only bring
miniature Snickers, ’cause one person messed it up
for everybody. Now you have security
trying to negotiate your Snickers situation. “Hey, it is all right if I bring
four miniature Snickers? That’s about the same size
as a full-size Snickers.” Security says, “Don’t play
with me! This is not a game! We are saving the world
one Snickers bar at a time for your freedom
in America!” “Relax, man, I’m just hungry.
Stop yelling at me.” I am really lucky, though.
This is like … This job is the best job. And for this job,
I gotta travel all the time, and this happens to me
all the time, happened when I came here.
I had to do the big TSA machine where you put your hands
at the top and they see your tampons
and stuff. Right? So I had to go through,
and the woman stops me. She goes, “Excuse me, miss.
We have to stop you. Your butt set off the machine.” Yeah. You guys know
what that means. It means that this ass is
a threat to Homeland Security, you guys!
Look at it. Oh, no! It’s so dangerous.
Oh. He starts. I don’t know
how they start. He just starts. He’s like, “I’m the pilot.” And we’re all like,
“I totally believe you. Yeah.” And then he goes, “We made up
some time in the air, so we’re gonna be early, but then I just talked
to the airport, and it’s congested, so we’re
gonna be in a holding pattern, and now we’re gonna be late.” And everybody’s like, “Why the
hell did tell us that, man? Keep that to yourself,
you know?” But then, you accept it, right?
I mean, I did. The guy sitting next to me,
he did not accept it. He turns to me and he goes,
“Just land the plane.” And I go, “Where? Like, the place
that takes planes is full.” I don’t know if anybody’s
ever flown Cape Air, but I’ll tell you what it is.
It’s a Volvo that flies. First thing,
you pull up to the airport – I didn’t even know it was
the Cape Air airport, because it looked like
a post office. First thing you do
when you get in there – there’s one lady
working in the airport. And when I got in there,
I was very, like – I was like, “What the fuck’s going on?” And she was like,
“OK, weigh your carry-on.” I was like, that seems normal.
I’ve weighed my carry-on before. And then she was like,
“Now, weigh your backpack.” I was like,
well that’s a little odd. I’ve never really
weighed my backpack, but you know, maybe there’s not
a lot going on at Cape Air. Maybe she’s just trying
to get a good work in. Like, you know what I mean?
So I weighed my backpack. And then she was like,
“Now, you.” I was like, “Why do I have
to be weighed?” And she was like, “Well, we have
to weigh everybody, so we know where to seat you
on the plane, so it doesn’t topple over, ’cause it’s not like
a regular plane.” And I was like, “Did you
just say ‘regular plane’?” Why the fuck is that OK?
It’s terrifying. You walk to the plane, you could
sit shotgun with the pilot. Like he’s your buddy
from college. The pilot was trying
to give us a speech before. It was crazy. He was just like,
“Alright guys, before we take off on Cape Air,
I just want to let you know pretty much
the most important rule. You guys know how
on a regular plane…” And I was like, what’s with
this fucking regular plane thing? I was like, get a new spiel. “So you know when you’re on
a regular plane, they’re like, ‘Turn your phones
off,’ but you really don’t have to
turn your phone off? On this plane?
Turn your fucking phones off. Alright.
Everybody have a safe flight. Alright.” One of the four times that
I’ve moved from L.A. to Austin, I drove there with my four cats
and my dog in the car. And I rented a giant SUV, and I put these big kennels
in the back for the cats, where I had food
and water dishes, and litter boxes,
and blankets. But even with all those
amenities, there were a lot
of angry accusations coming from
the back of the car… for a couple hours. And then it just got
completely silent. And that made me
kind of nervous, ’cause I didn’t know if maybe
they were planning something, so I just pulled over,
and I called a family meeting, and I just… I explained to the cats, like, “I know that this drive
across country is difficult, but living in Austin again is gonna make life better
for all of us. And there is no [purring] in
team.” Like, if I could
go back in time… If I could go back
in time tonight and go back to, like, the 20s, knowing everything
I know right now, I don’t think
I would make a difference. I don’t think you guys
would even hear about it. I don’t think you would. I just don’t, because I don’t
have anything to give, you know? I would go back and I would see
some guy on an old phone, and I’d be like,
“Hey, they have phones you carry
in your pocket.” And they’re like, “Yeah?
How do they do it?” And I’m like, “I mean,
I don’t know how they do it… I think it’s a satellite?
I think? A satellite.” They’re like,
“What’s a satellite?” “Aw, I shouldn’t of even
said that. Uh…it’s, like, metal. Metal’s gotta go
pretty high in the air. I don’t know
if you guys are doing…” I don’t even know if I can prove
I’m from the future. I don’t even think I could.
I think I would just get stuck, ’cause they would want something,
like “Who’s the next president?” “Oh, boy. Uh…Abraham Lincoln. You guys
are gonna love him. He’s really good.” They’d just think
I’m from the past. That’s what they would like … Then I would have to get
a regular job. I would just have to wait tables
or something in the 20s. I would go back in time and do worse than I’m doing