Why You Should Call the Police on Yourself – Roy Wood Jr.

Why You Should Call the Police on Yourself – Roy Wood Jr.

America is basically
a restaurant. America is a restaurant
that sells equality. That’s all it is.
They serve equality, and some of y’all
had some delicious equality. It was good.
You had great service. And some of us need
to speak to a manager. [cheers and applause] You telling black people
to stand for the anthem, that’s the same
as walking around Applebee’s, telling people not to complain
about they food. How you get to dictate
how somebody else complain about they situation? You may as well just walk
around Applebee’s, “You need to fucking be happy “that you even in
this Applebee’s. “You know how many people
outside trying to sneak “in this Applebee’s? We had to build a wall
around this Applebee’s.” And I’d be like, “Yo, man,
you need to calm your ass down. “Get your facts straight.
First off, “I was at Red Lobster,
minding my business. Y’all brought us
to Applebee’s.” – I don’t know what we gonna do
between us and the police. This shit is getting hard. Every day,
police might get called on you while you’re trying
to get coffee. Police might get called on you while you’re trying
to barbecue. Police might get called on you while you’re trying
to mow the yard, take a nap, sell some water. At this point, if you black, the safest thing you can do
every day is just call the police
on yourself. I mean, the white people
gonna call anyway, so you may as well take
the power back. Control the narrative. That’s what I’m gonna do
every day, call the police and compliment. Say something nice
about yourself. Change the perception. “911, what’s your emergency?” Ain’t no emergency. It’s just a smooth motherfucker headed to Walgreens. Just checking in. Red jacket, white pants. Don’t shoot me! “All units, be advised,
male black, Walgreens.” Respond code…
[imitates radio clicking] I don’t know. I don’t know what the–
I don’t know what you do. Move too slow,
you might get shot. Move too fast,
you might get shot. Don’t move,
you wasn’t obeying commands, you might get shot. Yo, at this point, like,
I ain’t gonna tell y’all how to dress every day
so you can feel safe, but I’m gonna start wearing
a cap and gown everywhere I go. Until things cool off
for a little while. You ain’t never felt threatened
by somebody in a cap and gown, not never. Cap and gown is like
a wedding dress. You see somebody wearing it,
it make you happy. It change your mood.
So that’s what I’ma do. Until we get
some real police reform, I’m wearing a cap and gown
every day with a fuckin’–
with a middle school diploma in my back pocket. A middle school diploma
and an engagement ring. It’s gonna be
the saddest story. ‘Cause you ain’t gonna sweep me
under the rug. ‘Cause this is what’s crazy.
We live in a time now where if you get shot
on the wrong day, you might not even make it
in the news! They’ll sweep your story
all the way to the back page. Damn that.
I’m gonna be on the front page. If the police shot
a 40-year-old eighth grader, I promise you… it’s gonna be a conversation
about me. Y’all better riot for my ass. And in other news today, police shot
a 40-year-old eighth grader. He’s survived by his three
ex-wives and six children. Send a prayer for Mr. Charles. Pay cops more money.
Money is part of the solution. It ain’t the only solution,
but it’s part of it. Here’s the thing.
We love to act like all these good cops
just gonna all step up and do the right thing
together. Please. Most people don’t do the right
thing for the right reason. They do the right thing
for the right price. It’s about the money.
And don’t get me wrong. There’s plenty of good cops
out there, man, but not enough
to effect change. You gotta do something
to incentivize. You gotta break bread. And don’t tell me you ain’t got
the money to pay cops more. Every time somebody get hit
over the head, you gotta pay a settlement,
so take the money you would’ve paid
for a settlement and just put that
in the cops’ pockets, and they might care
a little more. At minimum,
just set up a snitch fund. Can we do that? Not–okay, don’t pay
every cop more, just the cops who snitch
on the other cops. That’s who you pay. A hundred thousand.
Hundred thousand per snitch. You got police departments
paying 200, 300 million a year. You put 100,000 per snitch–
I promise you, if you started giving cops
100,000 to snitch on other cops, they would be arresting
each other at roll call. Immediately. You wouldn’t
even make it out the police station
in the morning. Put your hands up, Sanchez. I saw what you did, Sanchez. I gotta get 100,000.
Shit, I need 200,000. Arrest me too, Sanchez. We got to go down. Put 100,000 on it. It’ll change everything,
I promise you. ‘Cause you ain’t gonna break
through that thin blue line just off of morals. Real cops don’t snitch
on other cops. Real cops stand tall. You ever notice all that
brotherhood, fraternity shit? It’s for jobs
where you’re underpaid and nobody appreciates you, so it’s cop and schoolteacher
and military. It’s firefighters–
it’s all these jobs where you do dope shit,
but no one respects you, so they’ve tricked you
into thinking that fraternity is a substitute for currency,
and it ain’t. Pay ’em.
Give ’em some money. ‘Cause here’s what happens. You start giving cops
more money to snitch on each other,
it’s a good-paying job. Anybody with a good-paying job
knows. You snitch immediately. Ain’t no brotherhood in a job
that pay you a real wage. People snitch left and right. You ever notice,
doctors don’t stick together. Doctors snitch on each other
in a heartbeat. Every year in this country,
somebody get the wrong leg chopped off, or the doctor
leave a butter knife inside you,
it ain’t a bunch of doctors in the emergency room
talking about, “Real doctors don’t snitch
on other doctors.” No!
That nigga chopped off the leg.


  1. If there were good cops they would not let the so-called bad cops getting away with their crimes. Want to incentivize them? Eliminate their qualified immunity and make them get personal insurance to cover the lawsuits instead of the taxpayers footing the bill. Civilian oversight committees that get swapped out frequently. Transparency with their personnel files and FOIA requests. Implement new training that doesn't teach that every non-cop is a threat and danger. Take away their 1033 Program and military equipment that they MUST use every year in order to justify their acquisition. The list goes on forever. And for heaven's sake eliminate that desecrated American flag that they run a Thin Blue bikini stripe line through. It's a gang symbol.

  2. Yo this is so enlightening. It’s educated comedy that, if actually listened to, would help society as a whole. I love this guy

  3. Any black who don’t like America can go back to Africa but I don’t think real pure Africans want these half breed half blacks with more white Europeans dna then African

  4. Let's all unite behind Bernie for equality! The US was too bigoted for me to be able to stay. I left years ago. And I'm a white male… #BLM #SomosUno #EqualityMovement #AmericanRepublicanFearIsTheProblem #DisarmThePolice

  5. My Dad was a contractor. We used to work in towns where the police would stop is constantly going to work. So much so we added it to the contact that the clients had to call the local police department to tell them that we were working at their house. It was insane!!!

  6. When I was 15 , I was walking from my grandma house with my father on a Sunday. she me a few dollars for school.

    This cops saw us and from the other side of the road called us over asked me for ID .Wanted to know where I came from and where I was going .

    I was a minor with my parent . The officer completely disregarded my father and spoke to me like an adult criminal.
    If I wasn't with him I would have to explain the few dollars in my pocket .

  7. Maybe if we actually listened to the FBI when they said that white supremacist organizations encourage their members to join the police and military and weeded them out we wouldn't have this problem.
    Then again, white supremacists don't really want us to know that so they can keep killing unarmed black people.

  8. Perpetually over generalizing racism. This is not good for society.

    Yes, some white people are racist AF, some of the worst even. But many are not and they don't deserve to be looked down on by others because of this infectious over generalization.

  9. We brought you to Applebee's like 300 years ago.
    And not you, nor your father, nor your father's father was around when y'all were at red lobster.

  10. Poor black people. At least you made up for it in the Caribbean and south Africa. You guys got to play white master to another race and it was freaking great. Unfortunately this wasn't recorded in the history books

  11. Eminem said "I wonder if we hire more black cops, the crap stops"
    I believe another comedian said "Just hire all black cops! No more discrimination, problem solved!"


  13. Most cops make 56-75k a year and those are the ones that aren't CSI's, Forensic Investigators, SWAT, and Detectives, which get paid so much more. Cops are paid just fine, they don't need anymore money.

    Firefighters on the other hand. Now that's a different discussion.

  14. All the people crying about how the police treat black men are the first to call the police when they see a “ suspicious” black man

  15. When everyone forgets that some actual Africans are still enslaving each other and establishing open policies that involve stripping land from native whites

  16. This why i love this dude, he showed he knows what to be happy for someone is …. Cap and gown, "seeing that makes him happy!" He feels joy for people….

  17. Americans have the audacity to preach human rights to China for Hong Kong when this shits going on. I'll take Chinese cops over roided out racist American cops every day of the week.

  18. true about the salaries.. in Switzerland, even cops in training already get paid 5k/month.. 6k after training and up to 10k after 5-10 years on the job. much less incentive to take bribes or be pissed at the world if you can afford a decent living.

  19. white people during this show: 😰🤭🤔😟😅😅😅

    black people and me during this show: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪😆😆😆😆😆

  20. Pay cops more money. Smartest thing I've ever heard a black man say. Legislate cop pay as part of military budget. Stop this policing for profit.

  21. This would have been better if he came out on stage and a cap and gown and didn't acknowledge it at all until he told this joke at the very end

  22. I feel like a dick saying this, but my high school buddy got killed in his cap and gown after our graduation. In a parking lot, outside a restaurant. I know you're crafting these jokes to make us feel better, but nothing can really keep us safe.

  23. Roy Wood Jr. is an underrated legend. Hilarious, insightful, observational, a great storyteller, and charisma. Glad he's starting to get his credit.

  24. Does Roy Wood Jr ever not complain about racial issues all day in his jokes? And for your info Mr. Wood people get shot everyday it's not news and it never was.

  25. Um, I can't get past Africa being red lobster and the US being apple bees. If you got sold to a colonial back in the day, it's because one of your "brothers" had a tribe that enslaved your tribe. Your life was about to suck no matter what restaurant you were eating at. And as bad as it is now, there is oppression on an even higher level in Africa. Muslim extremism, genocide, rampant AIDS, poverty to unmatched levels, civil wars. Idk where blacks have it good, but Africa definitely is not, nor ever has been that place. Africa is papa john's and we're KFC. Both are racist fucks but papa john's gave me food poisoning twice and the pizza sucks. KFC has OK food and they are merging with Skippers. It's at least trying to diversify…even if it's still just fried, breaded white meat and potatoes.

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