Ya Burnt: New York City Subways, Facebook

Ya Burnt: New York City Subways, Facebook


-I was watching Netflix
last night, and there’s this new documentary
on migrating tree frogs, and — [ Sniffing ] I’m sorry.
I could be wrong here. But I think I smell some smoke, and I don’t want anyone
to be alarmed, but that can only mean
one thing. It’s time for “Ya Burnt.” [ Cheers and applause ] Welcome back to the burn zone. We got a lot of topics to sizzle
through but not a lot of time. Over here is the burner. Let’s turn on the gas
and load her up. Whoo!
Sweet sticky chicky. First up,
the New York City subway. Like the saying goes, if it ain’t broke, break it,
and then never fix it. Seriously, subway, you break
down more often than Kanye West. Side burn, Kanye. -Side burn. -And, New York City subways,
why are you never on time? If I wanted to show up to work
an hour late and covered in sweat, I’d just have sex
and then go for a 58-minute run. [ Laughter ] Also…
[ Applause ] …your weekend service
doesn’t make any sense. Why is the Q train
now the M train and the 6 train going backwards? And why has the L train
been replaced by a pack of dogs
pulling a sled? [ Laughter ] New York City subways, stand
clear of the closing doors, ’cause ya burnt! Mixologists,
what’s with the fancy name? You make drinks. Calling a bartender a mixologist is like calling a garbageman
a “trashamatician.” [ Laughter ] What’s with all
the fancy ingredients? Do they call them bitters because that’s what
your parents were when they found out
you were a mixologist? [ Laughter ] Plus, this is taking too long. When you started making that
mojito, Cuba was a free country. [ Laughter ] Mixologist, better grab one
of your giant ice cubes, ’cause ya burnt. Ah, the salad bar, where you can
get a healthy, balanced lunch consisting of all four
major foodborne illnesses. I’m sorry if I lost my appetite when I saw the tomatoes
underneath the sneeze guard. The sneeze guard
only tells me one thing — This is where people come
to sneeze. Now on top of that,
I can’t eat romaine lettuce without getting E. coli. Oh, no, not romaine lettuce. What pleasures will you
take away from me next, my prostate exams? Salad bars, eat this.
Ya burnt. Salad bar bacon bits. Look, I know what I just said
about salad bars, but I wasn’t talking about
you guys. You guys are amazing. You bring the crunch
with every munch, and while I don’t for a minute believe you come from actual
bacon, we’re giving you a pass. Salad bar bacon bits,
you’re this week’s unburnable. Ascend to that Golden Corral
in the sky. [ Cheers and applause ] Facebook, so you’ve been
selling all our data, huh? I’d tell you how mad I am, but
I already took a Facebook quiz, and it told me
this is how mad you are. [ Laughter ] Also, what information
did you give out? Because if it’s my Social
Security number, I don’t care. But please
just don’t tell anyone how often I looked at my cousin
Sheila’s bikini photos. -Seth’s just proud
of his family. -Facebook, I’m deleting you,
and ya burnt. People who say they’re deleting
Facebook, no, you’re not. What are you gonna do, re-memorize
all your friends’ birthdays? Start calling people
on the phone? Print out your cousin Sheila’s
bikini photos? Won’t work.
Your wife will find ’em. People who say you’re
deleting Facebook, liar, liar, pants on fire —
Ya burnt! Junior prom, nice try, losers,
but prom is for seniors. We all know you horndogs are
itching to lose that V-card, but you’re gonna have to wait
until you’re 27 like the rest of us. You know what happens to kids
who have sex after junior prom? They don’t get to go
to senior prom because they’re busy taking care
of a 3-month-old. [ Audience groans ] Yeah. [ Laughter ] Junior prom, here’s a theme
for you — Ya burnt. People who say “dilly dilly.” Look, I also thought
“dilly dilly” was funny the first time I saw it, but now we’ve all seen that
commercial a “dillion” times. Sorry, dilly-heads, but quoting
commercials is the worst, and that’s whassup! [ Laughter ] People who say “dilly dilly,”
bada-boop, bada-burnt. [ Siren wails ]
Whoa. That sound means
we’re running out of time, so it must be time for
our speed round, the Blaze. First up, Rosé, you can’t decide
if you’re red or white, but the people who drink you
have decided — they’re white. Ya blazed! Mar-a-Lago, congratulations. You’re the fanciest place
in Florida. That’s like being
the classiest patch of hair on Ron Jeremy’s back. Ya blazed. Cruise ships, just where I’ve always wanted
to go on vacation — a floating Dave & Buster’s
for old people. Ya blazed. Cone-shaped water cooler cups,
just what I wanted — a cup I can’t put down. Ya blazed. Kindergarten graduations, look to your left,
look to your right. Both those kids
just [bleep] their pants. Ya blazed! [ Buzzer ]
Oh, no! That buzzer means
we’ve run out of time. This has been “Ya Burnt.”

100 Comments

  1. Look to your left… look to your right… you are not at the Soul Train Awards, those are very fine people wearing cloaks and swastikas, so get the fwuack out of there before you are lynched!!!

  2. one day, many, many years from now, on his final episode, seth will finally tell us about those fucking tree frogs.

  3. Sick burn to Florida. Except I'm a well-educated minority born and raised in the great state of Florida, a state even the ultra racist history of the 'deep south' won't own up to any ownership for.
    SAD!
    It's disgusting that even the simplest words like "sad" are more or less copyrighted by that narcissistic scumbag this country elected as president through our wonderfully warped political system.

  4. Seth how could you not see how "You're-A-Lame-O" would tank this segment? I received proxy third degree burns from my phone melting in my hands and am now slapping my arm stumps on a jumbo keyboard to type this and you didn't even say that OUTLOUD. How could you top such a sickass burn? Also I am suing you for damages.

  5. is it just me or did they find a way to block access to a video by making the preceding advertisement unloadable

  6. Genius in one field does not mean genius in all fields. I don't like his music, but I accept that people who know music consider him gifted in that field.

  7. #ZUCKYOU, of #TRICKLEDOWNGREED, define's #ALLEGEDLYREPUBLICANS are "alien."

    mathematically 'too big to fail' zuck walk's. did piglet JUST FLY by?

  8. 3:53 THANK YOU there is one guy in my frat and almost for everything he says "dilly dilly" it gets really annoying but I like the guy

  9. I have a PHd in Trashematistics – it's an incredible field. My research focused on observing trash pandas in their native habitat (head first in my green bin), trash collectors blocking traffic, and how long people can be exposed to the smell of rotting salmon skin before barfing.

  10. Dilly dilly? Never heard that, nor heard anyone say it…i first though it said Dilly Dally, which i have heard people say before.

  11. Dogging Mixologists was not cool, those mother fuckers have to listen to all of us whine or celebrate or cry etc while they do actually have to manipulate and change chemistry in liquids for our enjoyment. Dick move

  12. Probably my least favourite sement of his, but even here we get a gem like "trashmetician". I can't wait for garbage day now!

  13. Lol I deactivated Facebook and am so happy~ so much less stress and now I don't have to keep up with people I don't actually care much about but was too afraid to delete. The people I want to chat with message me and call me and now I don't have to see annoying baby pics, Trump ridiculousness, or anything else the randos from high school and my super conservative family members post~ tldr do yourself a favor and deactivate/delete it~

  14. As the mother of a kindergartener, the kindergarten graduation blaze made me do a spit take!! Hahaha!!

  15. This is the funniest thing I've seen from this show, which is, indeed, saying something. Great Jorb! More please!

  16. You should blaze this segment. Giving it a snappy title doesn't make it more original. It's like putting 10-inch rims on a rolling trash bin.

  17. Deleted my FaceBook account when the News broke, what three weeks ago?
    Haven't missed it a bit, and I have freed up at least three hours of daily wasted FB time.
    Wish I could delete my addiction to cigarettes as simply.
    Considering deleting my YouTube account next.

  18. Remind me not to complain about the Toronto subway. We could have the NYC subway or Southern Rail in the UK.

  19. Gotta love an audience that laughs because the laugh light tells them and not because the guy is funny.

  20. 1:44 When you say 'free' are you taking about the time before castro? because if you are , you are talking about Batista ANOTHER dictator. One that the US, by the way, was ok with because he was against Communism.
    Yea, thats a reccuring theme.

  21. I have something to get off my chest. It is serious, I have no one else to talk to about this problem I am having.

    DILLY DILLY.
    now ain't that silly!😜🙃🤪🤡

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